The Official AF Joke Thread

#211

Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

#212

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

#213

A man and his wife were driving home one
Very cold night when the wife asks her husband
To stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying
At the side of the road, and she got out to
See if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband,
"It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us,
Get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."

But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the frozen
Skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

#214

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

#215

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your
chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and
in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed
her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient
of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

#216

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Chicago Bears fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Bears fans too. Not really knowing what a Bear fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a bear fan" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher," what are you?"

"I'm an Indianapolis Colts fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Colts fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Colts fans, so I'm a Colts fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason!" the teacher says "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Chicago Bears fan!"

#217

Did you hear the new one about Helen Keller?

Neither did she.

#218

That shit wasn't funny tt, lol...

#219

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

#220

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and
sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger
than your brother's."