The Official AF Joke Thread

[schmicko]

‘Wanton Wally’ as he liked to be known, suddenly dies whilst out on another of his famously debauched evenings, and naturally, as a result of his profligate ways, finds himself doomed to an eternity of damnation.

Miserably he waits alone in the cold, clammy foyer of Hell for the devil to come and get him. After a long wait Satan comes out of his office to meet him “Yo Wal my main man” he greets cheerfully “I’ve been expecting you bro…hey tell me, why so glum dude?”

Wal shrugs miserably. “Well fuck” he replies, “I’ve just been sent to this shithole for the rest of eternity! Why do you think?”…

“No No NO Bro!!” Satan cries “you got it all wrong dude. You’re gonna just LOVE it here. Why hell’s a great place”

Wal looks up at the devil.. “What do you mean?”

“Come my man” says the devil as he puts a friendly arm over Wals shoulder “Come walk with me fine buddy and let me tell you all about it”

They begin to walk.

“You like a drink?” the devil asks.

“Why yes, I do actually” replies Wal.

“Well you’re gonna love Mondays then.”

“Why’s that?” asks Wal

“Because all we do on Mondays is DRINK BOOZE man!! We got Cognac, Bourbon, Fine Scotch, Vodka, Tequila, all sorts of liqueur, any type of beer you can think of, and you can have as much as you like all day every Monday. Absolutely as much as you like. The bar never runs out!!”

“Well that doesn’t sound so bad” thinks Wal.

“Do you smoke?” asks Satan.

“Well yes” says Wal “as a matter of fact I do”.

“Well you won’t wanna miss Tuesdays then! We spend the day just smokin’ our lungs out brother! We get the best Cubans, Havanas, every type of filter you can imagine, exotic tobaccos from every country up on Earth! And dude, …..it don’t matter if you get cancer….coz you’re dead anyway!! ”

“I like the sound of that!” says Wal

“D’ya like to gamble?” grins Satan

Wal’s starting to brighten up now. “You betcha” he replies

“Man you aint gonna know yourself on Wednesdays”

“Go on, go on” Wal urges the devil.

“Man, we got the biggest casino you have ever seen” Satan announces “there’s poker, blackjack, roulette, craps, slots…..any game you can think of. You get unlimited chips, and the odds here are fucking great! You just HAVE to try it bro”

Wal’s starting to get real excited now and waits impatiently for the devil to tell him about Thursdays

“Take drugs do ya” asks Satan coolly

“Oh Man….do I take drugs or what!?!...I love ‘em”

“Well you’ll be itching for Thursdays to come round my man. That’s our big drug day. Coke, pills, weed, speed, smack, uppers, downers….anything you like, as much as you like and we NEVER run out..and dude..if you O.D. it don’t matter, COZ YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD!!”

Wal’s near wetting himself with excitement now. “I’m DEFINITELY here for the long haul man!

They keep walking.

“You gay?” enquires Satan

“No” answers Wal

“Oooh!” winces Satan “YOU’RE GONNA HATE FRIDAYS!!”

[Terrarist]

MAN HABITS



1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.
"Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ....... However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?"
to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep.
Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time.
Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?
So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.
Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?
For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

[schmicko]

This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a gorgeous chick. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

She notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued, she asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The chick giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

"Damn", he says, "the thing must be running an hour fast."

[ems_my_gem06]

a samoan woman has been arrested for drug possesion, stupid bitch wasn't wearing undies under her lavalava, bent over an exposed 50 kilos of crack lolz

[ems_my_gem06]

Brides Dad hands a note to the groom. GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE. Groom hands dad a note bak.CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.

[ems_my_gem06]

BREAKING NEWS!!

The latest gizmo to hit the market is a wallet made of penis skin. When one rubs it, it expands to become a suitcase.

[ems_my_gem06]

Penis Theory. If the penis is had and erect, its needs good fuck! If its erect but soft, it needs good suck! If its neither hard nor erect, it needs good luck!

[ems_my_gem06]

Snow White has Aids, The Tree Little Pigs are in Jail for sex offences. Red Riding Hood is pregnant with Wolf's baby. Goldilocks is a lesbian. Rumpelstiltskin smuggles drugs and jane is beating the shit out of Barbie because Ken is Gay and he gave Tarzan a blowjob. Now Heidi and Cinderella are involved in a syndicate giving the Smurfs pills in exchange for wild group sex! So, fairyland is Pretty FUCKED UP..... How are you?

[5829]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $699 depending on cup size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Nestle has followed suit. After overcoming some human rights hurdles in Guatamula with the help of PR firm Bursten Marsteller they have announced their new line of breast-milk chocolate bars. The company itself will undergo a name change to Brestley and its first product line of third-world breast-milk products will be the Tit-Kat...

i hear there's a new candy coming out too called Milk Juggs

[5829]

polish divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real
grudge?
- No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
- No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
- No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
-She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
-I got proof.

What kind of proof?
- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".