The Official AF Joke Thread

[AYHJA]

Ha..! Great jokes guys...

[goodog]

So this guy goes into a chemist's shop near closing time and hangs about the shelves looking a bit nervous, obviously waiting until the shop has cleared. When it does, he approaches the counter looking both sheepish and embarrased. The chemist asks him if he can be of assistance in any way....
'I hope so', the guy says, 'I have this really hot date tonight with 3 girls, all sure things and I don't want to look inadequate in front of any of them, if you see what I mean....'
'I think I do', says the chemist and thinks for a minute, then he says, 'I wouldn't normally do this but, I have a sample of a new, super viagra tablet that I could let you have but you need to be really, really careful with it. I would suggest breaking it into three a just taking what you need because it hasn't been properly tested and I don't know if there are any side affects but, it's up to you...'
So the guy is really up for that and he takes the tablet and hurrys out to meet his dates. After he's gone, the chemist frets about what he's done for a while then shrugs and closes up shop and goes home and forgets about the guy.

A couple of days later, just as the chemist is about to close up again, in fact is just going to the door to lock up for the night, it bursts open and the guy staggers in. He looks as if he's gone fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson in a bad mood. His clothes are ripped and torn and he has only one shoe on and he looks like he hasn't slept in days....The chemist steps back in alarm and the guy stands there gasping for breath, then staggers to the counter, unzipps his fly and slaps his member down on the counter. 'Just look at that', he cries.
What a sorry sight it is. It's bruised and cut and oozing, the foreskin is cracked and peeling and looks infected, just horrible. 'Quick', says the guy, 'Give me some Deep Heat'!!
'I told you to be careful with the tablet', exclaims the chemist, 'Did you take it all at once'.
'Yes', says the guy, 'I thought it would work better like that, now for the love of all that's Holy, please give me Deep Heat'. He's nearly crying in agony by now.
'I can't let you put Deep Heat on that', said the chemist, 'the pain it would cause would drive you mad'.
'No, no', says the guy, 'It's not for that, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show........

:D Goodog

[goodog]

I just had this sent to me via email....this is priceless!!

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Best Regards

Goodog

[hotheat]

...is it possible to get these attorneys' names ? :laff:

[Deepak]

LMAO you wouldnt want them representing you would you? lol

[deepdiver32073]

I'd want to know so as to avoid them at all costs!

[pakka_gucci]

lol - been rollin in laughter

[5829]

i got to stop reading these joke sites. otherwise i am libel to post more of these.


did you hear about the dead man they found face down in a bath tub...he had corn flakes, bananas, and blueberries all over him....they suspect a cereal killer.

two red balloons are flying over the desert.
One says to the other "Hey pal, watch out for the cactus!"
"What cactusssssssss . . . ."

A frog walks into a bank and asks the man behind the counter, Paddy Frack for a loan. "well I'm going to need some collateral," Says Paddy.
"What's collateral?" asks the frog.
"Its something of value," replies Paddy.
So, the frog runs home, grabs a little trinket and runs back to the bank. "This is the most valuable thing I own," says the frog. Paddy Frack takes it and asks the bank manager
"Its a knick-Knack Paddy Frack, give the frog a loan!"

Why don't pirates play cards?
Because the captain is standing on the deck.

What do you call an exploding monkey?
A baboom!!!!!!

Did you hear about the robber who stole a calendar?
He got twelve months.

What did Geronimo yell when he jumped out of the plane?
"MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Did you hear about the rival maggots?
They were fighting in dead Ernest.

A guy walked OUT of a bar - he owned it - and went to his liquor distributor to re-stock.
He loaded up on Scotch, bourbon, rum, tequila, etc. -- and then he asked for a case of gin.
"Well," the distributor said, "we've only got one shipment and the importer says it's infested with weevils."
"Weevils!" the bar owner exclaimed. "Do you think that's true?"
The distributor shrugged and said, "Who knows what weevil lurks in the hearts of gin?"

Q. What does Mr. Razzi's children call him?
A. Papa Razzi

Did you hear about the two cement mixers that fell in love?
Now they have a little sidewalk running around the house.

Have you heard about the dolphins at Sea World? Well it seems that the caretakers found that if they fed the dolphins seagull hatchlings the dolphins would live forever.
So one day, one of the caretakers is carrying a bucket of the hatchlings toward the dolphin tank, and there in the middle of the path sits a Florida panther fast asleep. The caretaker gently stepped over the panther and rushed away toward the dolphin tank.
When he arrived at the tank there was a group of FBI agents with guns drawn yelling at him to get down.
The caretaker shouted out as he was stooping down, "What seems to be the problem?"
The lead FBI agent yelled over his bullhorn, "You're under arrest!"
The caretaker shouted back, "What are the charges?"
The agent replied, "For carrying young gulls over state lions for immortal porpoises!"

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped!

I work in a grocery store. A woman came through my check lane and I asked her if she would like a paper or plastic bag?
She said that it didn't matter and I told her that she had to pick one.
She asked why?
I said BAGGERS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

Two cannibals sat at the fire.
One said, "I really hate my mother-in-law."
The other replied: "try the potatoes."

For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn by mistake

Have you seen the movie "Constipated?"
No, it hasn't come out, yet.

Why do shorebirds stand on one leg?
Because if they lifted both legs they would fall down.

And then there was the cow that drank a bottle of ink and then mood indigo.

What's the last thing they give Tickle-Me-Elmo when he leaves the factory?
A test tickle!

PROBLEM: You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping zebra and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the zebra.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

What is the difference between being a butt-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception

How do you make a peanut laugh?
You tickle its nuts!

A girl goes to the doctor for a checkup. He puts the stethoscope to her chest and says, "Big breath." She answers, "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen!!"

Wolfgang; "Did you hear the one about the classical string quartet that could not sell tickets to their concerts?"
Johannes: "No, I didn't. What happened to them ?"
Wolfgang: "They went baroque."

Q: How can you tell when a turkey is done?
A: He flushes the toilet.

How do you make Holy Water?
Boil the Hell out of it...

So a rabbi and a priest crash into each other at a four way stop. They both get out of their cars and look at the wreck. They both thank god they are okay, and the priest said “this must be a sign that god wanted us to meet.”
The Rabbi said “yes indeed, lets drink.” So the rabbi got out some one, they toasted and the priest drank his glass. But the rabbi never took a taste of his drink.
Priest “Why aren’t you drinking?”
Rabbi “I’m waiting for the police.”

There was a robbery at the police station, someone stole all of the toilet seats, the cops have nothing to go on.

What did the grape say when it fell on the concrete?
Nothing. It just gave a little wine

Why couldn't the maestro find the composer?
Because he was Haydn.

Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison?
The police are looking for a small medium at large.

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
Bartender says, I'm sorry. We don't serve food here.

lady walks into the daily blade and says she'd like to place an adv. in lost & found for her little dog.
the man behind her said "that be stupid lady, dogs can't read!"

A doctor/scientist invents a clone of himself.
It is perfect; you cannot tell them apart.
However, the clone has one particular problem & that was when he saw a pretty girl, he say obscene remarks to her which upset the doctor/scientist a lot. The clone kept doing that & the doctor/scientist couldn't break him of it.
Then one day the doctor/scientist met another doctor/scientist he knew & told him about the problem he was having with his clone. The other doctor/scientist says, "Bring him up to my office, maybe I can fix him for you."
So, the next day he takes the clone to the other doctor's office which happens to be on the top floor of a tall building. When they get there and go into the waiting room, the receptionist happens to be a beautiful blond lady. The clone goes into the worst obscene remarks you ever heard.
The doctor/scientist gets so angry, he throws the clone out the window & he lands on the pavement with a splash.
The police come to arrest the doctor for murder, but the doctor says, "He was not a real person. I made him in my lab."
They thought about it for a minute then came back & said, "I guess we will have to arrest you for making an Obscene Clone Fall."

So farmer Joe went down to his barn every morning to milk his cow Bessie. He grabbed his pail and his stool and sat down to start milking.
As he continued to squeeze the milk into the pail he heard a loud buzzing noise. He looked around realized there was a large fly buzzing about. He swatted it away a few times.
He watched it as it landed on Bessie's ear. He was glad because the buzzing had stopped.
So continued milking. A few minutes later he heard a splash in his bucket... he looked down and there in the bucket was the fly!
He flew in one ear and out the udder!

Did you know that Mark Twain had a son?
His name was Choo Choo Twain.

Famous Last Words:
"...say, does this taste funny to you?"

Famous Last Words:
"...I think it will hold us both..."

what do call a servant who helps you in the bathroom?
a butler

There was a green grape and a purple grape in a kitchen. The Green grape turned to the Purple grape and said, "Breathe!".

You know what they say, "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the living room couch"

What's the definition of a smart ass? Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

How do you fix a broken tomato?
With tomato paste.

Q: Why don't babies use Yahoo as their Internet Search Engine?
A: Because they are already used to Googoole.

why was the tomato blushing?
because he saw the salad dressing

What's Snow White's sister's name?
Egg White. Get the yolk?

Did you hear about the Indian that drank 89 cups of Tea?
The found him dead the next morning in his tea-pee. (teepee)

Q: Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas?
A: Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else!

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi said to Luke Skywalker when he saw him eating with his hands?
Use the fork Luke, use the fork!

Q: What did the blind man say when he was handed a piece of matzo?
A: "What idiot wrote THIS??"

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you!

What do Computer Techs use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Three statisticians go hunting. Up ahead, they see a deer: a prize buck.
The first one takes a shot and misses six feet to the right.
The second takes a shot and misses six feet to the left.
The third one says "I hit it!"

Last night I dreamt I was a car MUFFLER and I woke this morning EXAUSTED ! get it?

Why are soldiers tired on April First?
They just finished a thirty-one day March!

Computer illiteracy: Is a megabyte followed by a big gulp?

What's E.T. short for?
'Cause he's got little bitty legs.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met

A classical music station for many years prefaced it's listener call-in portion with the request: "If it ain't baroque don't fax it".

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
...and now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards?
A receding hairline.

Hey, did you hear the FBI was looking for a mad English professor last June 16th?
He was threatening to set of a Bloomsday device.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?
Because OCT 31 equals DEC 25

Ethernet: what you use to catch the Ether Bunny

Why is it important to be on time for work if you're a computer security specialist?
The early nerd catches the worm.

A nervous fellow shows up at heaven's gate, hoping to get in. St. Peter asks him, "well, looking at your record, I don't see any particularly compelling reason to let you in. Have you done anything noteworthy I should know about?"
"Well, yes," he responded. "I was driving down the freeway, and saw a motorcycle gang terrorizing this young woman who had a flat tire. I slammed on the brakes, pushed the leader out of the way, picked up a tire iron, and told them, '...leave this woman alone, or I will teach you the meaning of pain!'"
"My," said St. Peter, that IS noteworthy. When did that happen?
"About two minutes ago." he answered.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken had not yet evolved.

Why did the guru have his tooth pulled without anaesthetic?
Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they will just define darkness as a new standard.

what is pink and fluffy? pink fluff.

Q. How do you know when an engineer is flirting with you?
A. He stares at YOUR shoes.

What did the hotdog say when he crossed the finish line?
"I'm a wiener! I'm a wiener!"

A. My computer is exhausted.
B. Why?
A. It had a hard drive.

Question: What's the difference between going to jail and installing a new Microsoft product on your computer? Answer: When you go to jail you get one free phone call.

A lawyer pushes a BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" asks the car owner.
"Just crap in the carburetor," replies the mechanic.
The owner asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A man walks into a doctor's office with a cucumber sticking out of his nose, a carrot sticking out of one ear and a banana sticking out of the other ear.
He asks the doctor: "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's simple...you're not eating properly."

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

Two behavioral psychologists make love.
After, one says to the other, 'That was good for you, was it good for me?'

At older man is at his yearly physical, and the doctor tells him to pull down his pants so he can check him for a hernia.
He does, and the doctor screams out, "oh my god, you've got an orange colored Penis!"
The patient quietly remarks, "I do?"
The doctor asks the man, "Is your wife sick?"
the man says, "I'm not married."
The doc says, "Is your girlfriend ill?"
The man states, "I don't have a girlfriend."
The doctor exclaims, "well, then you must be frequenting prostitutes!"
The man says, "I've never seen a prostitute."
The doctor asks, "Good gracious my dear man, what in the world do you do for fun?"
The man exclaims, "I usually just watch pornos and eat cheeto's."

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support soon people are going to think we are nuts!

[5829]

along with lawyers, be careful of construction projects

construction projects
http://bloggersbliss.com/?p=48

exploding toilets
http://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/show ... hp?id=5764

[Highlander65]

Groan, groan, and more groan!