How to give your pets their medicine, instructions below

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How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call
spouse from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to
take nasty taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Drink another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to
neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with
elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
Get more beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot,
drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw Tee
shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat
to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new
table.

15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air

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Good one.