The Official AF Joke Thread

[hotheat]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place.
and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,



medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,


and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips



He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom


where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:




'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

[Skinny Bastard]

LMGDFWAO

[5829]

Thank You Notes

A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes.
The result of this was that their Grandpa never received any thank-yous for the very generous checks he'd written to the kids. However, the following year, things were different.
"All the Kids came over personally to thank me" said the Grandpa in a triumphant manner...
"That's great," said his friend, "why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?"
"Well, that's easy," declared Grandpa, "this year I didn't sign the checks..."





May be NSFW

Spoiler:

[hotheat]

Old Koot

Upon reaching age 70, old Koot decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months, Mrs.
Koot became very agitated with him. She suggested he
go and do something to occupy his time, like join a
club or get a hobby.

Old Koot obliged and went out for a couple of
hours. When he returned, Mrs. Koot asked about his
day and he replied, 'Oh, I just went down to the
park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I
joined a parachute club.'

'What? Are you nuts? You're 70 years old and
you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'

'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'
Mrs. Koot took the card and read it.

'Old Koot, you need glasses! This is a membership in a
PROSTITUTE Club, not a Parachute Club!'

'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up
for 5 jumps a week'.

[5829]

Q: Who were the first people ever to eat pie?
A: Pioneers.

[5829]

Did you hear about the Playboy for married men?

Spoiler:

They feature the same centerfold every month.

[darklighter1]

Love it! Especially the Sensitive man one. Thanks guys!

[5829]

If you want to hear the jokes in a song (I cut out the chorus)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O35iphfiMhs


The blind man's seeing eye dog
Pissed on the blind man's shoe
The blind man said, "Here Rover,
Here's a piece of beef for you."
His wife said, "Don't reward him.
You can't just let that pass."
The blind man said,
"I gotta find his mouth,
so I can kick him in the ass."


When God created woman,
He gave not two breasts but three.
When the middle one got in the way
God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God,
With middle breast in hand.
Said "What do we do,
With the useless boob?"
And got created man.


Gramps turned 80 the other day,
He never did find his way.
He dressed up in a brand new suit,
Sitting in a big lawn chair.
When a beautiful young naked woman,
Stood up in front of the group.
She offered gramps some super sex ,
And he said, "I'll take the soup!"


Olie went to the neighborhood dance,
And he won the big door prize.
Was a toilet brush,
And he took it home.
And the next week one of the guys,
Said, "Olie, how's that toilet brush,
The one you won from the neighbors?"
Olie said, "Oh, it works pretty good,
but I prefer toilet paper."


Farmer had a champion bull,
Bred 200 times a year.
Farmer's wife said, "200 times.
Isn't that wonderful dear.
Maybe you otta watch 'em
Maybe he'll show you how."
Farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull,
But it wasn't all with same cow."


You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?
No, who they think did that?
Well they don't know,
But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.


Sven said to his friend,
"O, I think my wife died."
His friend said, "What do you mean you think?"
"Well, the sex is still the same,
But the dishes are stacking up."


Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?
No, I didn't.
Yea, it runs in your jeans.


Why do they call it PMS?
PMS, well I don't know why?
Mad cow was already taken.


What do you get when you cross
Holy water with castor oil?
I don't know Lefty.
What do you get?
A religious movement.


What did the elephant say to the naked man?
What did he say?
He said, "It's cute, But can you really breath through that thing?"

[5829]

You have to watch the whole thing.
[youtube][/youtube]

[darklighter1]

You have a.....unique sense of humor 5829... :|.....I want those 4 minutes of my life back from watchin that video.. :p ....Oye vey!