What can I say ??
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Michigan.
The Joke Thread
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xristoforos27
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xristoforos27
- Posts: 118
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:17 am
Re: The Joke Thread
A Senior Momement
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.The Bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the London Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of my funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose to only deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque. Addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know about him or her as your Bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,debts,assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1- To make an appointment to see me.
2- To query a missing payment.
3- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am in there.
4- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date via the Authorized Contact.)
8- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must levy an establishment fee to cover the cost of setting up this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.The Bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the London Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of my funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose to only deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque. Addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know about him or her as your Bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,debts,assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1- To make an appointment to see me.
2- To query a missing payment.
3- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am in there.
4- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date via the Authorized Contact.)
8- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must levy an establishment fee to cover the cost of setting up this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
33 creative ways to annoy people
33 Ways to Annoy People
1.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2.In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
3.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6.Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7.Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8.Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9.Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12.Sniffle incessantly.
13.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14.Name your dog "Dog".
15.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17.Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18.Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
20.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21.Practice making fax and modem noises.
22.Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25.Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27.Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30.Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
32.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33.Send really long joke e-mails to all the people you know.
33 Ways to Annoy People
1.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2.In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
3.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6.Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7.Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8.Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9.Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12.Sniffle incessantly.
13.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14.Name your dog "Dog".
15.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17.Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18.Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
20.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21.Practice making fax and modem noises.
22.Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25.Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27.Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30.Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
32.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33.Send really long joke e-mails to all the people you know.
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Peter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila ?
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Best regards
Peter
Dear Peter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila ?
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Best regards
Peter
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
The Dark Side Of Women...
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
Show me what you bought."
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
Show me what you bought."
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Anger Management
A husband asks his wife, 'You never argue when I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?'
'I clean the toilet,' she replies.
'How does that help?' he asks.
'I use your toothbrush..'
A husband asks his wife, 'You never argue when I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?'
'I clean the toilet,' she replies.
'How does that help?' he asks.
'I use your toothbrush..'
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
How do you tell the sex of a fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Message From Internet
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.
So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good people.
He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So, He called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.
God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that email said?
Scroll down
Oh, you didn't get one, either?
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.
So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good people.
He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So, He called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.
God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that email said?
Scroll down
Oh, you didn't get one, either?
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Voodoo Penis
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except......the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The salesman then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle.
Then the salesman said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ...Voodoo Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except......the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The salesman then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle.
Then the salesman said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ...Voodoo Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Your Screwed!!
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that
hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from
Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went
to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced
himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then
we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we
took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let
try something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever
happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that
hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from
Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went
to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced
himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then
we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we
took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let
try something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever
happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
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