An Editorial on Ray Rice

[AYHJA]

I feel like writing today. I feel like sharing. What I want to say may not be received well. Feel free to comment. Or not. Whatever. Sorry social media, this isn't a selfie or limited to 140 characters. This will require reading be done. Maybe some comphrehension. Still here? Good.

For those that don't know, a football player named Ray Rice knocked out his wife in an elevator. A quick Google will get you caught up to speed on the various facts. I'm not focused on news. This is a more social commentary.

Let me start off by saying this, and this is what I mean. No man should ever, and I mean ever, put his hands on a woman.

That said, I still have mixed emotions about this. And I'm not just talking about this instance in particular. I don't know enough of the fine details to speak directly to this specific instance. But in general I ask, what am I supposed to do if I'm being targeted by a woman?

It must be something about elevators.

A few months ago, video leaked of Jay Z's sister in law pretty much beating the shit out of him in an elevator. He didn't raise a hand to stop her. Neither did his wife. And if I recall correctly, she kicked him some too. What I saw in that elevator was an assault.

Now, had that been the other way around, we would have been calling for Jay Z's head. Period. To add, what would we say about Jay Z even, if he had a sister and stood there while she attacked his wife? I digress. Society seems to say that if you're a woman, under the premise that a woman in general can't really hurt a man, assualt is OK. That if I'm being attacked by a member of the opposite sex, I have to take it. Do we know for a fact that a woman can't hurt a man? Have you ever been kicked in the balls? What about cut by a fingernail? Poked in the eye? What about the general assualt on your manhood? Regardless of the sex, I'd defintely be sitting there asking myself, "Why the fuck does this person feel like I'm the one they can put their hands on?"

"Are you saying that a man is justified for hitting a woman?" No I am not. I'm saying I understand. It is my experience that we say turn the other cheek until it's your cheek. My mother taught me to keep my hands to myself. When you do not follow that rule, anything can happen.

How long can someone yell at you, put their hands in your face, talk to you any kind of way and spit in YOUR face while they're doing it before you say, "Enough is enough." What's your threshold? If you know it, test your theory out. Find someone to verbally and physically assault you, see how that non violent deal suits you. Anyway. I'm just curious. I pretty much know my deal.

For me, you get one shot. It is your personal responsibility to control your limbs and reactions just as much as it is mine. If I tell you to get out of my face, that is akin to a rattlesnake's warning. Someone breaks into your house and you cock a shotgun, that's akin to a rattlesnake's warning. If you are walking and you hear that oh so distinct sound, do you just keep fucking walking? No! You stop and look around if you don't want to get bitten, right?

But, then again, you have people that catch snakes if but for no other reason than their own amusement. Purposely aggravate them. Hit them on the head. Try to tame them. There is just something in those people that when they see snakes, when they hear those signs, they don't pause. They run towards the sound. They want to observe. They want to touch. They are predisposed it seems, to ignore warnings of that sort and proceed to do what they want to do. They get bitten, yet survive only to go out and find more snakes. This is unreal behavior to me.

And when we see those people get bitten, what do we say? Are we in fact, infuriated with the snake and ready to make boots? Who says, "Well, he was messing with the snake, but the snake still shouldn't have bitten him." What do we say when we see matadors getting an ass full of longhorn? What about the surfer who ignores the "Sharks Present" sign and sees nature's most efficient mastication technique?

That's. What. Your. Ass. Gets!

Jay Z did the right thing. He did the only thing. I wouldn't have condoned him knocking the shit out of his sister in law. But I would have understood. I don't care what Jay Z did. You don't run up in someone's face doing everything you can to elicit an action, and then stand by amazed when you get it. We have an innate ability to sense danger as creatures of this planet. We all have warning signs. Even inanimate objects. Cars have horns. They serve a simple purpose. A short beep says, "Hey, the light's green." Long beep says, "Hey Asshole, you cut me off!" Now imagine that you blow your horn to warn a driver and they hit you anyway, and then get out and blame you. Wreck your joint, get in your face with a lisp, and calling you a no driving godless heathen. Still non violent? I'll say it, you're a much better human being than me. Kudos.

Some men can take an asswhipping from a woman. I can't and will not just sit and take an ass whipping from anyone. You keep your hands to yourself; I'll do the same, and we'll be just fine. Had that been me in that elevator, someone would have gotten parried into the the wall. Rattler's warning. There is no rhetoric, no logic, that can convince me that I ever need to let someone violate my personal space.

I don't care what I've done. Keep your distance. Let my God deal me my punishment, you don't get to escalate a situation to that point. Not with me. Bible says turn the other cheek. Bible also says an eye for an eye.

"What if that was my baby girl," you say? No difference. My daughter will be raised to be a lady. My daughter will learn and understand that you don't behave poorly. No lady should ever been in anyone's face, let alone a man's face, threatening and abusing them verbally. This, people, works both ways. It has to, in the name of civility.

The NFL is rampant with crazy mofos. It's an extremely violent, brutal sport. The most profitable sport in the world too I might add. And while participation in a crazy brutal sport is not a prerequisite for domestic abuse sadly, it's not uncommon. We all bring work home whether we mean to or not. My wife interviews me every time she asks me something. She's a reporter. I'm a systems engineer and consultatnt. My approach to household issues is often pragmatic, as I look at things as parts of systems or organizations.

If your man, for all intents and purposes is a hammer. Why are we so shocked when he blurs the lines and sees a problem between the two of you as a nail? Again, I can't stress it enough, it ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T make it right or acceptable. But in my mind it doesn't make it shocking either. Let's wrap it up then.

Ladies.

If your man runs into other people for a living, if your man has agreed to put on gloves and exchange abusive blows for a living, if your man man has special forces ops he doesn't want to discuss, if your man hates or disrespects his mother, if your man has never met a drink he doesn't like, WHATEVER...Please be aware of your "rattler" warnings. They're right there in front of you. Some men can handle it. Men in general compartamentalize well. But if your man can't, and he regularly participates in legal, albeit violent actions, for lack of a better word your man is probably a little crazy.

And a little crazy is just enough to get you knocked out in an elevator.

BTW, she got knocked out BEFORE they were married, and then married him anway. Am I supposed to feel some kinda way? smh #Birdsofafeather

-- 7|19|1337 --

[shin_dr]

Some stay out of fear. (It is true that the most violent incidents often happen when the other person attempts to leave).

Some it's out of embarrassment or a feeling of failure/weakness, especially for men because of the double standard you mention.

Others try appeasement. And you know, a lot of abusers are super charming and benevolent when they're in Dr. Jekyll mode.

Even if they want help, resources are often stretched thin. Friends and family can mean well but end up making things worse. One of my cousins saw a girl being harassed at a party. Told the other guy to can it, took her home. Next day he gets shot.

There's a lot of pressure to not get involved, until it becomes so obvious like with that video that it wasn't just a misunderstanding or an exaggeration.

Sports have a company town mentality. You have guys who might have been struggling to eat a couple years ago now with a big pile of money and no idea of how to use it widely. Even the ones who succeed experience considerable physical and mental damage, some of which we're barely starting to quantify. That can't help, but it also can't be an excuse.

[AYHJA]

You make great points Shin, I had not even really considered that part of this. I was more into the fact that I've noticed people piling on guys who have spoken up about the underlying double standard. I would never belittle a woman's ability to make a sound decision, but you're right when you say, that there's a lot of pressure to not get involved.

This case is a perfect example of that. Seems like it was fine and dandy until that video came out. I just worry that people get all upset when they see the end result and skip all over the preceedings. The video is scary. This wasn't a guy who hit a woman for the first time. I don't know if his wife knew it wasn't though. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, but you can't really belive that she saw no signs, right?

[shin_dr]

I'm sure there's stuff that could have been avoided. But it's never completely certain and it depends on whether it's a loss of control or not. If he sees this as the major fuckup it is and gets help, things could go well and he may still have some years as a player. If this becomes "stupid bitch ruined my career", I don't see it ending well.