ADN

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly
overenthusiastic on the lemon drop shots.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or
something.
One of them had nothing with which to wipe so she thought she'd take off
her panties, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear and didn't
want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with
that.
They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last
night without her panties"
"That's nothing" said the other.
"Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that
said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."

Whats is marketing? What is spam?

Several women have asked for me an explanation of Marketing.

Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's spam..

Medical Afflictions of the Cartoons



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Do you speak Euro?

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a ten-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse! of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place.

Viagra
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma!"

Funny Pair
--------------
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, ‘What are you doing?’

She answers, ‘I’m moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.’

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

Protection
-------------
A woman goes to the doctor, and she’s beaten black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my boyfriend comes home drunk he knocks lumps out of me."

Doctor, "I think I might have a cure for that. When your boyfriend comes home drunk, just take a mug of tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow it. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to his bed."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor no sign of bruising whatsoever.

Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my boyfriend came home drunk, I swished with the tea. I just swished and swished, like washing machine and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor, "See how much keeping your fuckin mouth shut helps?

Wrong Number
A man checks into a hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in the Hub near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Candice, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, I’ll give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

COLLAR PROBLEM
--------------------
A motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day. The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck.

They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and at the end turned around to check how his friend was doing. But the friend had fallen off!

The cyclist rushed back along the dirt path, and discovered a group of construction workers gathered around his friend. He pushed his way through the crowd and asked how his friend was doing.

"He seemed alright," came the reply, "until we turned his head around the right way."

What a Coincident
-------------------
Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'