The Official AF Joke Thread

#11

lmao...those are great

#12

So Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses goes first, and hits the ball right into the water hazard. "No problem," he gloats, and walks up to the edge of the water. He raises his hands, and the water parts. Moses then hits the ball right onto the green.

Jesus rolls his eyes, but his first shot also drops right into the water hazard. "I can handle this," he brags, and walks out ontto the water! He hits the ball out of the hazard and onto the green, right next to Moses' ball.

The old man steps up to his ball, and takes his shot. The ball flies way off course and lands in the roughest grass on the course. All of a sudden, a squirrel grabs the ball and takes off towrds the woods. Then, an eagle swoops down and snatches the squirrel, which, in its dying agony drops the ball--right into the hole!

Moses leans over to Jesus and whispers, "Man, I hate playing with your dad."

#13

I hope this hasn't been posted before... It is one of my all time favorite golf jokes... (since you brought it up, SB)

Mrs. Jones decides to take some golf lessons so that she can surprise her husband on his birthday by taking him out for a round, and golfing with him.

The golf pro giving the lesson takes her out to the driving range, tees up a ball and says, "Take a good swing and show me what we have to work with here." Mrs. Jones hacks at the ball, topping it severely and causing it to roll a good 20 feet ahead of her... which was still a good ten feet behind where her club landed.

The golf pro tells her, "Ok, first, it's clear that we are going to have to work on your grip." "Hold the club firmly; the way that you... well... the way that you would hold your husbands cock." At which point he tees up a second ball and instructs her to try it again.

This time, Mrs. Jones smacks the ball 230 yards right down the middle of the range, leaving the pro nearly speechless.

"Mrs. Jones, I have to tell you that that that was about the most amazing thing I have ever seen." "Now take the club out of your mouth and let's try it with our hands this time..."

-Mr. SM-

#14

This one is a close second....
A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: "Crap."

#15

Yep, both were posted before in the old thread, but seeing as how that was in the Old Forum which is dead and buried, and we need to bring the new one up to par... You did quite well to resurrect them. Now, my favorite golf joke...

A man and his wife tee up on a long par 4. They both end up in the rough behind a storage building.
The wife says, "Look. If you open the door to this building and the back window, you have a straight shot to the green!"
The man lines up on the ball, takes a mighty swing and richochets the ball off the side of the building, hitting his wife in the head with the ball, killing her instantly.

4 weeks later, the man is playing the course again with his best friend and hits the exact same tee shot on that hole. His friend makes the same observation that his wife had. "If you open the door and the window, you have a straight shot to the green!"

The widower replies, 'Hell no!!! Last time I tried that, I got a 7!"

#16

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

#17

Everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise. God appeared and said: "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men wo truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

#18

George Bush meets the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

#19

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off sex. Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man shame-facedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more either."

#20

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said , "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

ADN

The Official AF Joke Thread

No Sex since 1955