ADN

A dog walks into Home Depot and says to the manager "excuse me sir, are you looking to employ any staff".

The manager, in total disbelief that the dog can talk, replies "no, but you should definitely try the circus"

the dogs replies "what the fuck does the circus want with a kitchen fitter?"

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Q. What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A. Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

His Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and...I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.

I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them.

Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you...I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me....
....
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

A door to door salesman knocks on a door.

A boy about eight years old answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other.

"Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman

The boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

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2 Nuns are driving down the road at night, when all of a sudden a vampire jumps out in front of the car.

The young nun says to mother superior "what should I do?"

"Show him your cross" says mother superior.

So the young nun sticks her head out of the window and shouts "Get the Fuck out of the way you little bastard".

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "DeepDiver, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said DeepDiver, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye screw ONE sheep...."

Old-one but still Golden


After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "they're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well," said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited."

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burn unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

QUOTE(Mr. SM)As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "DeepDiver, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"  

"Hell," said DeepDiver, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Ha fucking ha...

those were actually pretty funny... all older than me, but still funny.

QUOTE(Stalker)Q. What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A. Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

lmao That was good...

Got this at another site I go to... pretty good.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

The guy says "Gee, I don't know."

The clerk says "Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay the clerk and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk. The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

That was not bad... I like this one because it is something I would DEFINITELY do:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of
the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant
them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up,
and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers,
and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says
"I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what
his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says......
"Make 'em all ugly again".

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."