ADN

While checking the church storeroom, the Pastor discovered
several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-
door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the
church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living
as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But
he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who
had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his
speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage
Louie, the minister decided to let him try a nyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out
selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the
$200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is
indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the
church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the
church, and here's $280 I collect ed."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie
silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to
door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-
f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," louie replied, "W-w-w-w-
would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-
would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-
here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Crowded in Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me. As I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great, that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. ... Clinton, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator

I'm driving along at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business,
when outta nowhere there's this a big crack in my windshield!!
I swerved right,


and then left,

and it was still right there!!

A father watched his young daughter playing in
the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure
his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had
captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders
mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she
asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the
little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in
our garden" she said.

A cabdriver picked up a nun. When she got
into the cab, the driver couldn†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢t stop staring
at her. †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œI have to ask you a question,†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬? he said,
†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œand

I hope you won†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢t be offended.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œMy son,†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬? the nun said, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œI

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾‚¢

ve seen too much
of the world to be offended by anything you
might say. What is your question?†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œWel

l,†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬? he said, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œI

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾‚¢

ve always had a fantasy of
being kissed by a nun.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

The nun smiled and said, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œI

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾‚¢

ll grant your
wish on two conditions. First, you must be
single, and second, you must be a Catholic.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

The cabdriver became very excited and
said, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œYes

, I†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢m single and I†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢m Catholic.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œOka

y,†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬? the nun said. †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œPul

l into the next
alley.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss
that would make a hooker blush. But when
they got back on the street, the cabdriver
began to cry. †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œMy dear,†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬? said the nun, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œwhy


are you crying?†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œFor

give me,†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬? the cabdriver said. †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œI lied. I
must confess; I†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢m married and I†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢m Jewish.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

The nun replied, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œTha

t†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢s okay. My name is
Kevin, and I†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢m going to a Halloween party.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

A middle-aged couple had two stunningly
beautiful daughters. The couple decided to try
one last time for the son they†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢d always wanted.

After a few months of attempting to conceive,
the wife became pregnant. She delivered a
healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful
father rushed into the nursery to see his
new son. He was horrified to find the ugliest
child he had ever laid eyes on. He told his
wife, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œLoo

k at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered. There†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢s no way that†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢s my son. Have
you been fooling around on me?†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

The wife smiled sweetly and said, †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬¢‚¬¦¢¢¬…œNot


this time.†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬?

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war!

LMFAO!! That sounds like something I would do

Actual thoughts from children regarding the sea and water in general:

Please disregard #11... only true when my wife and I dive together, NOT when my brother and I dive together.

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

10) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

11) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

12) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

lmao! *shudder* @ #11...lol