ADN

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

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A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck. "Now, can have a beer please?"

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?"

"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour for a pint." The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.

The next day, just as he said, the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck.

"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says. "For a little consideration, I could hook you up with this duck and you could make lots of bucks. Everyone would love to see a talking duck don't you think?"

The circus man nods excitedly while sipping his beer, the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for those many days. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."

The duck, scratching his head and looking very puzzled replied:

"But why the hell would he want to hire a plasterer?"

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

LMAO at what part did you get hahaha.

These have probably been posted already, but what the hell... they're still funny.

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

1. Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7. No news is... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust... me.
12. The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14. Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is... not much.
17. Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
18. None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
19. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
20. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
21. You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
22. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
23. There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
24. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question

"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies:

"I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

Why don't Republicans need a bookmark?



Because they just bend their pages over.

*** edit - image removed until i find a better host ***

I know...I know... You've seen it before.... but it still makes me laugh....

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a
virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready
for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your
husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity
snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will
fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The
wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg,
finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to
progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band.

The hubby asks: "What the hell was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

A lady friend and I were out having a few drinks. While we're sitting there
having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new
drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk me into having one.

After a while I give in and let her order the drink for me. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. I stared at the items quizzically and my friend explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, I go along and please her, I put the salt on my tongue -- salty but OK.
I drink the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. I think- this is OK. Finally I pick up the lime juice and drink it

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salt curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers my gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint
my friend, I swallow the now nasty drink. When I finally choke it down I
turn to my friend, and say, "DAMN !!, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at me and says,

"Blow Job Revenge".