ADN

I don't know, I think my kids will like it....

My youngest's favorite 2 jokes are short ones like that:

1) a drum and a cymbol fall off a cliff...... badoom chsshhhh

2) why are pirate jokes so funny? .... they just Aarrrrrr

lmfao...reminds me of mr. haase eh nick?

Lol...yea. Mr. Haase had the stupidest jokes ever. (Mr. Haase was Kris' and my Spanish teacher in high school)

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hotgirl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed in the end.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Good one, hotheat.

A duck walked into a store.
Duck: Do you have oranges?
Salesman: No.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks:
Duck: Do you have oranges?
Salesman: No.

The next day:
Duck: Do you have oranges?
Salesman: No!

The day after:
Duck: Do you have oranges?
Salesman: No!!... And if you ask me for oranges one more time, I will nail your feet to the ground!

The duck enters the store the next day:
Duck: Do you have some nails?
Salesman: No.
Duck: Do you have oranges?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals
for him to bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him."
She is running her hands up beyond his beard and
into his hair.

"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman,
clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into
his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet,
paper in the ladies room."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....
*****************************************************
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa