The Official AF Joke Thread

#21

an oldie... but a goodie...

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign 'round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:
"If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens the door he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm Twinkie. If I catch you, you're ass is mine!".

#22

Here is a couple of my favorites.

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across
the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on
the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day
they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam
answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want.
They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to
what goes on inside.

The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5
dollars?"

Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of
50 cents. She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift
her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a
sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.

About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says,
"Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."
********************************************************
One Sunday morning after church, little Maury's family
invited the priest to breakfast at their home. His mother
asked little Maury what he would like for his breakfast
and he replied, "I want a lightbulb."

Everyone laughed.

The priest was warmly touched by Maury's funny remark.

"Very funny little Maury," said Mom. "Now tell me what
you want to eat."

"I wanna lightbulb," said little Maury.

Mom felt a little irritated with Maury behaving this way
in front of their guest. She said sternly, "Enough of that,
now what do you want to eat?"

"I wanna lightbulb, Mommy," little Maury said once more.

Mom had enough and said, "Now you can go to your room!"

The good priest felt he should intervene. "Now little Maury,
tell us why you want a lightbulb for breakfast."

Maury replied, "Well, last night when I went to bed I heard
Daddy say to Mommy, 'Honey, turn out the light and I'll eat
that thing'."

#23

ive had a recent love of chuck norris jokes, and here are a few of my favorites:

jesus can turn water to wine. chuck norris taught him how.

god said "let there be light!" chuck norris replied "say please!"

the universe is constantly expanding. to get away from chuck norris.

chuck norris has been to the mars. thats why theres no life there

the grass is always greener on the other side. unless chuck norris has been there, because then its covered in blood.

whats the quickest way to a man's heart? with chuck norris' FIST

chuck norris can unscramble eggs.

chuck norris can divide by zero.

chuck norris has counted to inifinity. twice.

and my final favorite: chuck norris' tears can cure cancer. too bad he never cries.

go here for more.

#24

Guys...

These are some of the funniest fucking jokes I have ever read...It is 3 a.m. here, and I'm LoL at this shit...Great stuff guys...

#25

Five English guys in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy , the officer on duty. stops them and says: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the
law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat
Uno."

#26

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

#27

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, OH was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without
effect.

Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Following the
instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped
it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror. There was
complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints
on the mirror.

There are Teachers... and then there are Educators.

#28

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains,"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my sisters though."

#29

My 10 y/o sons 2 favorite short jokes (at the moment):

1) A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff......... BaDoom Chhssshhhhh

2) Why are pirate jokes so funny? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
They just Aarrrrrrrrrrrr

Bot · #30

Whats the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 12 inch cock?

Nothing, they all make your eyes water!

ADN

The Official AF Joke Thread

10 y/o humor