The Official AF Joke Thread

#241

^That's why you never talk in the bathroom. Never...

#242

It's really old so I'm sure most of you have heard it, but it gets me every time. It is kind of long though and I'm doing it from memory, so it might be messed up. LOL I'll even kind of tailor it for AF.

Old man Uber lived in a nice house with a large forest behind his home. There was a nice sized pond deep in the forest and mountains even further back. He woke up bright and early with a fly bothering him, he swatted at it and the fly left the house. The fly flew all the way to the pond.

There was a fish swimming around in the pond that morning. The fish seen that fly and said to himself, "Ya know if that fly would drop down 3 little inches; I could jump up and catch him for breakfast". There was a bear that seen the fly and the fish and he thought, "If that fly would get closer to the water by 3 inches, that fish would jump up, and I could catch it and have breakfast."

Old man Uber had gotten his hunting stuff together and seen the situation and thought, "If that fly drops down 3 inches, that fish will jump up to catch it and that bear will catch the fish and I can shoot him and have a nice bear skin rug in my living room at my nice home". A field mouse had ventured into the forest and he seen the fly, the fish, the bear and Old man Uber. Old man Uber had a lunch pack on with a little bit of cheese hanging out.

The field mice thought to herself, "If that fly will drop 3 inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, the bear will catch the fish, Old man Uber will shoot the bear, and I can run up his leg and get that cheese and back down before he knows what hits him." So the field mouse sat and waited. Old man Uber's cat was out looking around for something to snack on and seen what was going on. The cat said to herself, "If that fly drops down 3 inches, the fish will catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, Old man Uber will shoot the bear, the mouse will run up his leg to get the cheese and when she comes back down I will catch her and have a snack". So the cat sat and waited.

All of a sudden it happened. The fly got tired and dropped down 3 inches; the fish caught the fly; the bear caught the fish; Old man Uber shot the bear; the mouse ran up his leg and got the cheese; the mouse came back down and seen the cat and ran the other way; the cat jumped and missed the mouse and fell into the pond.

Morale of the story: Every time a fly drops 3 inches, a pussy gets wet. :biggrin:

#243

Three Strikes You're Out

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."

Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the hores dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."

#244

State Trooper

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”

The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.”

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma'am I see you're from Florida.”

The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”

The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”

The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida.”

The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”

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The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

#245

Kind of lame........

You know you drink too much coffee when...
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1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
9. You don't sweat - you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

#246

Adam and Eve are hanging in the Garden of Eden and God appears.

'OK, kids, I got two goodies left in my bag, one for each of you..."

Adam looks up. 'Cool, what u got?"

"Well the first item is the ability to pee standing up and...."

Adam screams "Give me that one, I gotta have, give it to me...."

God looks over at Eve.

"Sure, why not, if he's that excited about it, give it to him."

Zap. Adams starts running around the Garden peeing on everything in sight.

Eve looks over at God. "So what's left"

"Multiple Orgasms"

The true story of Adam's Fall

#247

A female brain cell gets lost and finds herself in a guys head.

She calls "Is anyone there?" No answer. It's dark and spooky.

She calls louder "Is anyone there"..."there"..... there"....."there"

Now really frightened she yells -- "Is anyone there??"

From a distance she hears "We're all down here!"

#248

Bush Offers U.S. Attorneys New Positions in Iraq. Attempt to Calm Furor over Mass Sacking

In a bold attempt to end the controversy over the sacking of eight United States attorneys, President George W. Bush today offered the fired prosecutors what he called œexciting new positions in Iraq.

With the President facing pressure from Congress over the firing of the attorneys and funding for the continuing war effort, Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House that sending the œsurge of eight U.S. attorneys to Baghdad was a œwin-win solution to both problems.

œCongress has been trying their darnedest to limit my ability to prosecute this war, Mr. Bush said. œWell, I can think of no one more qualified to prosecute this war than those eight prosecutors.

Mr. Bush said that dispatching a surge of lawyers to Baghdad will be send a strong message to insurgents and terrorists that they can no longer take the law into their own hands.

œI have strongly felt for some time that we need more suits on the ground, Mr. Bush said.

If all goes as planned, the eight prosecutors will be parachuted into Baghdad as early as this Wednesday, Mr. Bush told reporters, and could be prosecuting insurgents by Thursday.

While some in the White House press corps questioned if sending eight prosecutors to Iraq would really be enough to turn the tide of the war effort there, Mr. Bush said he already had plans to send additional lawyers if necessary.

œIf those eight aren™t enough, I™ll send Gonzales, he said.

Elsewhere, former presidential candidate Tom Vilsack endorsed Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-New York) and urged all four of his supporters to join him.

#249

ESTATE PLANNING 101

When Sam found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

#250

^^^^ LMAO!!