ADN

Aussie in the Pub....
An Aussie and a little man were sitting at a pub in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from my ute...."

Secrets To Marriage
Marriage is the only war where
one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer.... is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1.. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after.....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno

Aussie Family day out...
.
Bruce and Sheila are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only Sheila and her eight anklebiters are able to fit in the bus. So Bruce and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bruce gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!

A Senior Momement
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.The Bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the London Times.


Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of my funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose to only deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque. Addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know about him or her as your Bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,debts,assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1- To make an appointment to see me.
2- To query a missing payment.
3- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am in there.
4- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date via the Authorized Contact.)
8- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must levy an establishment fee to cover the cost of setting up this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

the Magician and the Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

The Guy that didn't know much about sex!
This guy Tom didn't know much about sex. His buddies all knew this and wanted him to get laid. So, they took Tom out to the strip club one night and paid a stripper to sleep with him. The stripper takes Tom back to the private room and asks him how he wants to do it. Tom being clueless Says "What do you mean?" She says "I can get on top and me fuck you, or you can get on top and you fuck me.....or we could just do a 69."
Since Tom was confused about a 69 he says "Sure we can do a 69."

About 10 minutes pass and they are both getting into each other. Tom is going to town on her and she is working him pretty good too. All of a sudden she lets out a nasty fart right in his face. Tom keeps going about his business as if nothing happened. After another 5 minutes she farts in his face again, only this one if bigger and stinkier than the last. Still Tom doesn't acknowledge that she just farted again in his face, he keeps going at her. So, the stripper turns around and says "Are you enjoying this?" Tom replies "Yeah, but it don't know if I can take this another 67 more times!"

Shortest Poem in the World
Fleas

Adam had em

Husband Fail 2
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 08 June, 2009

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

Important for Men
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

8 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.