ADN

LMAO. Brilliant

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

ill!

HOW A SEVEN YR OLD EXPLAINS SEX

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

SIx Inches

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Open wider

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

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Hard times

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

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Aliens land in Texas

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

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Jack Schitt

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ˜slap and tickle™, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor™s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Seth enters himself and his wife Sally, into a competition on a radio game show where they can win a trip to Florida if they can answer three personal questions each about themselves and answer each three correctly.

So they get Seth out first and the host gives him the drill.......

Host..."OK Seth. So we're going to ask you three very personal questions about you and Sal, and then we're gonna get Sal out and ask her the same questions, and if your answers match up then you've won yourselves an all expenses paid trip to Florida for two weeks. Dont forget Sally can't hear us so I suggest you answer honestly....OK let's play....question one........'When did you last have sex??

Seth...."This morning"

Host...."OK question two.... Was it with Sally??"

Seth...."Yes, of course!"

Host...."Excellent...Question three..... Where did you last have sex??"

Seth....."I shouldn't really say, because Sal will be furious...it was on the kitchen table that her mother bought for us..."

Host...."OK folks, lets get Sal out here and see if her answers match up"

So they get Sally out run her through the rules

Host...."Okey dokey Sal, so you know the rules, three questions and if you just answer honestly you cant go wrong...let's go...When did you last have sex??"

Sally...(slightly embarrassed).."umm...this morning"

Host..."Wonderful...question two....Was it with Seth??"

Sally....(indignantly).."why YES...who else?"

Host..."Alright Sal, you're going just great...all you have to do is answer this question the same way Seth did and you've won the holiday!"....(drum roll...)..."WHERE did you last have sex?"

Sally....(turning red).."SETH...you didn't tell them THAT did you??"

Seth..."Go on honey, just tell him!!"

Sally..."But we're having visitors for dinner tomorrow. They might be listening!"

Host..."That's right Sal....for a free trip to Florida..where did you last do it?"

Sally...."I don't want to say"

Seth...."go on baby, it's for a free trip to Florida...ALL you have to do is answer honestly"

Sally..."but what if my Mums listening?"

Seth..."just answer HONESTLY and we can't go wrong!!"

Host...OK Sal...I need your answer. For an all expenses paid trip to Florida...WHERE DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX??"

Seth...(pleading)..."honestly baby, just answer HONESTLY"

Sally..."ok then..."
Hos
Host..."I need your answer Sal...where did you last have sex???"

Sally..."umm....in the ass!!!"

^^^ LMFAO!!!!