ADN

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

The piss test
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(Added: 5-Nov-2002 Rating: 8.40 Votes: 400 )

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A man walks into a restaurant and is immediately seated. Without a moments wait the waiter was there filling his water glass and telling him the days specials. The man was impressed by the excellent service. He ordered the soup of the day. When the waiter brought the soup out and set it on the table, the man reached up and accidentally knocked the spoon to the floor. The waiter immediately pulled a fresh spoon from his apron and placed it on the table. The man was again impressed. "Wow! you people are very efficient here." he said.

"Management brought in an efficiency expert who determined that 40% of the people drop the spoon on the floor, so we all carry a fresh spoon." the waiter replied. The man was satisfied with that answer and the waiter went on with his duties. The man noticed, however, that a string was hanging from the waiter's pants. At the last spoonful of soup the waiter was there clearing to bowl. "How was the soup sir?"

"Excellent. By the way, did you know that you have a string hanging from your pants?" the man asked.

"Yes sir, we all do." And indeed all the waiters had a string hanging. "You see, that same efficiency expert also determined that we waist about 20 minutes each through our shift in washing our hands after we use the mens room. We use the string pull out our penis so we don't have to touch ourselves and so, don't need to wash."

"Wow, that is interesting. How do you get it back in your pants?" the man asked perplexed.

The waiter leaned in close and said, "I don't know about the other guys, but personally, I use the spoon."

:sick: :sick: :sick:

A urologist asked a patient, "How would you describe your love life?"

The patient responded, "Infrequently."

The urologist asked, "Is that one word or two?"

Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting.


In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture above) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant

The truth about the elephant story.

In 1986 a young elephant was playing in the bush when he stepped on a piece of wood that embedded itself deeply enough to hurt, but these things happen in the bush and the elephant knew it would work it's way out and be fine in a week or so. Then this very tall white monkey came walking slowly up to the elephant. The elephant was scared, but didn't think the puny thing could hurt him. The weird monkey messed with the stick and pulled it out. The foot felt better so the elephant said thanks and took off. Two days later the wound became infected from dirt and began to hurt again. The infection became so bad that the elephant could barely walk around, but now he was mad at the odd monkey that took the stick out. If he had just left it alone he would have been fine. For 12 years the elephant limped through the bush looking for that tall white monkey. While he found other monkeys that looked similar, they were not the same one. One day the elephant was approached by several of the tall monkeys, felt a sharp pain, and fell asleep. When he woke up, the elephant's foot felt better and he was not in the bush anymore. Some of the weird monkeys would bring him food or wash him while others would walk past or stand and stare. The elephant thought this was a good life and gave up on his search for the one monkey that hurt his foot for so long. One day that same tall monkey came to stare at the elephant. When the elephant saw it he went to the edge of his area and showed it his foot and said, "You see! These monkeys fixed me. You made me limp around the bush for 12 years because you had to mess with a stick that would have come out on its own. Could you leave it alone? NOOOOOOO! You had mess with it didn't you? I was just a little bull and you ruined my life. I was never able to catch any of the females because I couldn't run fast enough. How would you like a life like that. If I could get over there I would squish you to bits!" Amazed the stupid monkey started to climb over to him. The monkey finally reached the elephant, who was confused, and reached its hand out. "Oh no you don't! Not again!" the elephant thought and grabbed the monkey by a leg and smashed in against the wall. "Take that!" the elephant thought as he walked away content in his new life.

I've heard that first part before but not the second. Haha....it really adds a lot to the story!

I wrote the second half myself. Just one of those wacked out Saturday morning things. :p

HL65 you are so fucking funny. I think I may love you. haha I hate reading the same jokes over and over and over that fall victim to the forwarding craze that never died, and to have a new twist to it was spectacular. Kudos to you. haha