The Official AF Joke Thread

[5829]

A diner in a restaurant was furious that his steak was too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me when I said 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I don't often get compliments."

[goodog]

Here's a couple of jokes that I that I thought were really good... :D :laff:

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.....



At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first.
‘A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
Thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'



Well, they made me laugh....

Best Regards

Goodog

[5829]

Like the one about the IRS. :laff:

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15 year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.
After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."
The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous!"

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved.

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up. "Is it dark yet?"

[5829]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[5829]

Rush Hour
My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic. One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.
A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my brother, "What are you so happy about?"
"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.

Tax Tip
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for.
As an example, if you have some money left in your bank account after paying your taxes. That's a red flag.

What is green and fuzzy, has four legs and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
- a pool table.

Former Co-worker?
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"
"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."

[hotheat]

A little old lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."

The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[hotheat]

Do elephants really have memories? I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern
University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike
approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of
nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull
elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring
at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the
same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into
the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[5829]

Do you know what Tulsa is spelled backwards?
A slut
Do you know what a slut is backwards?
$100

[goodog]

Ah Hotheat!!

That story about the elephant is an absolute classic. CDR!!!

Best Regards

Goodog

[5829]

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll check."
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from
the back of the theater yelled out:
"Hey, how'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have
to kill you."
After a short pause, she yelled back, "OK, then ... Just tell my husband."

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.
One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"
The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??

What kind of number travels a lot? A roamin' numeral.

Some metaphors written by students in high school English class....

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.