ADN

Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Did you know that in writing reports, proctologists only use colons,
OB/GYNs only use periods, and neurologists only use commas.

The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10

Miss Holly confided to me the other day that every once in a while she
gets a tremendous urge to suddenly strip off her clothing and run
around naked. When I asked her to call me next time she just giggled
and said she had found a cure. Naturally I asked what it was? She
replied, "I just mix a little cocktail of Vodka with some Windex and
drink it." Miss Holly claims it keeps her from streaking.

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard. It's the best thing for a hot dog

Why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in Oklahoma?
Because you need a camera, not a wooden leg

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them.

"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you make me sick!"

I've been to a debutante ball where all the girls were wearing low-cut gowns.
Its clear why they are called coming out parties.

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver
that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000
in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with
the money" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a
driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a
woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment,
there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we
over the border yet"

So there's this traveling salesman staying at a hotel, feeling more than a bit bored with his own company. He looks along the bar and there's a very attractive but much older woman also sitting by herself so he buys her a drink and strikes up a conversation. One drink led to another and after quite a few they were both feeling very mellow and had told each other most of their respective life stories...as you do, and he discovers that she's 57. He is amazed at this as she is very attractive.
The woman, feeling romantic now as well as mellow, turns to the man and asks him if he'd like to try a mother and daughter threesome. The man jumps at the opportunity and hurriedly pays the bar bill and he and the woman leave and get a taxi to her place.

When they get there, the place is dark so the woman unlocks the door, switches on the hall light and shouts...

'Hey Mom, you awake?'

THE HYPNOTIST
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist Exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize Each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautifulAntique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye On this antique watch It's a very special watch. It's been in my Family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly Chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the Watch...'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and Forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
Eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's' fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead!

Haha, this is a great thread guys, thanks for the giggles...!

Getting Old
You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more decades in 5 different formats.
In 1978 - 8-track tape.
In 1983 - Cassette tape.
In 1987 - Vinyl.
In 1994 - CD.
In 2005 - MP3.

Where do chickens dance?
At the fowl ball.

Why do some fisherman use helicopters to catch their bait?
Because the whirleybird catches the worm.

Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contest?
On a choo-choo train.

What would you get if you crossed a stereo and a refrigerator?
Very cool music.

When do ghosts haunt skyscrapers?
When they are in high spirits.

What kind of flower does Lassie like?
A Collie Flower

Neutrons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic

A distinguished professor was arrested yesterday at Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, Texas while trying to board a flight with a calculator, protractor, compass, and slide rule. The security crew immediately searched the elderly man when they saw him boarding with a calculator in his hand. A search of his hand bag revealed the devices. The man was charged with carrying instruments of math instruction. Further investigation has revealed he is a member of the Al-Gebra terrorist network.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her at which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with he tail over to Wal-Mart!
Why Wal-Mart?
HELLOOOOOOO!
Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world!!!

an old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
the boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
as they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
the man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
later they passed some people that remarked," what a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
they decided they both would walk!
soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
so, they both rode the donkey!
now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
the boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.
as they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
the moral of the story? ........if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

A guy walks into a bar with a hunk of pavement under his arm. The bartender looks at the pavement for a bit and then finally says, "What'll ya have?" The guys says, "One for me and one for the road."

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself; lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

heheh...loved the one about the neutron... :D

Reminds me of this...

Two atoms were in a bar and one suddenly says, 'I think I've just lost an electron@
The second atoms says, 'Are you sure?' towhich the first replies...

'I'm positive'.....

I'm here all week folks!!

Nerd humor.... I LOVE IT!

How about something a little less intellectual...

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "did you know you have a stearing wheel in your pants?"
the pirate responds, "aaayyyyeeee... its driven me nuts"

hotheat wrote:Do elephants really have memories?

The truth about the elephant story.

In 1986 a young elephant was playing in the bush when he stepped on a piece of wood that embedded itself deeply enough to hurt, but these things happen in the bush and the elephant knew it would work it's way out and be fine in a week or so. Then this very tall white monkey came walking slowly up to the elephant. The elephant was scared, but didn't think the puny thing could hurt him. The weird monkey messed with the stick and pulled it out. The foot felt better so the elephant said thanks and took off. Two days later the wound became infected from dirt and began to hurt again. The infection became so bad that the elephant could barely walk around, but now he was mad at the odd monkey that took the stick out. If he had just left it alone he would have been fine.

For 12 years the elephant limped through the bush looking for that tall white monkey. While he found other monkeys that looked similar, they were not the same one. One day the elephant was approached by several of the tall monkeys, felt a sharp pain, and fell asleep. When he woke up, the elephant's foot felt better and he was not in the bush anymore. Some of the weird monkeys would bring him food or wash him while others would walk past or stand and stare. The elephant thought this was a good life and gave up on his search for the one monkey that hurt his foot for so long.

One day that same tall monkey came to stare at the elephant. When the elephant saw it he went to the edge of his area and showed it his foot and said, "You see! These monkeys fixed me. You made me limp around the bush for 12 years because you had to mess with a stick that would have come out on its own. Could you leave it alone? NOOOOOOO! You had mess with it didn't you? I was just a little bull and you ruined my life. I was never able to catch any of the females because I couldn't run fast enough. How would you like a life like that. If I could get over there I would squish you to bits!"

Amazed, the elephant watched as the stupid monkey started to climb over to him. The monkey finally reached the elephant, who was confused, and reached its hand out. "Oh no you don't! Not again!" the elephant thought and grabbed the monkey by a leg and smashed in against the wall. "Take that!" the elephant thought as he walked away content in his new life.

You see, Elephants DO remember.

Pop quiz: A paternity suit.

A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, I'm sorry we don't serve poultry."
The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.


A Gujarati Funeral... A family in Gujarat got simply puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Puj. Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the Daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to all her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben & Varsha,
I am sending Puj. Ba's dead body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Kadhywad, GUJARAT, India.

Sorry, I could not come, all of my paid leaves got consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 5 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates, 8 packets of Badam and few items for Kids. Please divide these among all of you.
Near Ba's feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct!!
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan and rest you can decide.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take it.
The few pairs of white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among all the Nephews.

Please distribute all these above items fairly & equally.
Yours loving sister, Anubhavi
P.S.: If anything more needed, let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days...