ADN

So this travelling salesman calls at a house and after a couple of minutes the door is opened by a boy of about nine or ten years old. He's wearing what looks like his mothers silk underwear, bra, panties and stockings and her high heel shoes. He has her make up plastered all over his face, blusher, lipstick, eye shadow..the works. In one hand he's holding a large tumbler of whiskey and in the other he has an extremely large cigar.
The travelling salesman stares at this apparition for a few seconds, not quite believing what he is seeing and then he asks 'Are your parents in?'
To which the boy replies, 'Does it fucking look like it!!!!'

A young boy is looking at the wall of plaques in the front of the church. The minister comes up behind him and asks him what he's thinking. The young boy asks the minister, What are these for? The minister tells him that these are in honor of men who have died in service.

After thinking a minute, the young boy asks, "The 8:30 or the 10 o'clock one?"

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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a REAL cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs so I guess I am a REAL cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a REAL cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was; but I just found out I'm really a lesbian."

Boss said to Secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary makes call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband makes call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss) makes call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary makes call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband makes call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa makes call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

...

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

What is the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

Q: What does a vampire drink at a party?
A: A Bloodweiser.

The council job

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'
and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew
my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start
tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't
you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says and for the first two hours we
just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not really any point in you
coming in for that.'

Beautiful and Stupid

A man said to his wife one day
"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded
"Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Q: Have you heard my new statistics joke?
A: Probably.