ADN

Forgiving Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Miss Jones, are you unwilling to forgive your enemies?" the Minister inquired.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Miss Jones, that is very, very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Miss Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bastards!"

Two Teenage Boys Arrested for Drugs Two teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance. If they would work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went into the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That's great! How did you do it?"

The boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's very admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them: This is your @sshole before prison."

haha good stuff here!

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all at a table and they are bored. The zoophile spots a cat and says, "Let's have sex with the cat!"
The sadist says, "Let's have sex with the cat then torture it!"
The murderer says, "Let"s have sex with the cat, then torture it then kill it!"
The necrophiliac says, "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, then have sex with it again!"
The pyromaniac says, "Let's have sex with it, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, then light it on fire!"

The masochist says "Meow."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"