ADN

Five-year-old Christopher Walsh excitedly reported to his parents what he had learned in Sunday School. He told the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs. A few days later he told his mother, "My side hurts. I think I'm having a wife."


In class the teacher announced that a test was going to happen tomorrow, and you couldn't miss it for anything other than a bad sickness or a death in the family. A student raised their hand and asked, "What if I suffer from sexual exhaustion?" and the teacher replied. "That's OK, you can write with the other hand."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go. . . "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

Whispering . . .






"Dave . . . .







. . . .you're a vet".

I was at a wedding last month in West Virginia. One of the groomsmen came up to the bar and was talking to the guy next to me. I overheard him say "I think I just had sex with my third cousin." His friend replied, "Quit counting."

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them into a tire and call it a good year.

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.



One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..



If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.



She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.




To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.



'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.



'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.




And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:


"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."


Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque saying:


"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

This is how New York Mental Health Commissioner Michael F. Hogan opened is speech last week.

A mother had twin 9-year-old sons. One was always excessively positive
and upbeat, the other a complete opposite — always excessively
downbeat and depressed. So she took them to a behavioral therapist to
try to get both on a more even keel.

The therapist figured he'd treat the boys by exposing each to an
environment that was the opposite of his personality. So he puts the
depressed boy in a room full of ice cream and toys and other fun stuff,
and the upbeat boy in a room full of manure.

An hour later, the therapist went back and found the depressed boy as
down and upset as ever. The ice cream is too cold, he complained, and
all the toys were broken.

So the therapist went on to the next room, expecting he'd have better
luck there. But he found the upbeat boy digging furiously through the
piles of manure.

"What are you doing?" the therapist asked.

The boy replied: "With all this manure, I figure there's gotta be a
pony in here somewhere!"

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"


Simple operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.


Bottle trouble

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


Funny taste

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"


In record time

Joe walks into the living room and sees Lucy whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter?" Joe asked.

"Nothing at all. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Lucy beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


Chain saw

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"


Dinner disaster

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party.

As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage.

As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."