ADN

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take her pill and now they have a daughter.

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Three less than intelligent men, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting
in a remote forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he
tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran
quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was
covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We got to get
Elmer to the hospital quick or he's gonna die."

"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked. "Why he weighs a good two
hundred fifty pounds."

"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out
bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way."

Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the
emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer
inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried
friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it."

Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."

"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and
through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he
might have been able to survive that."

"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood.
All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles
probably beat him to death!"

"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his
body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to
survive that, too."

"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher 'cause
that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it,
his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I'm sure he drowned
when we crossed that crick."

"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole
when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under
water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole
and falling all over yourself."

"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did
have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown and he might have
been able to survive that, too."

Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then
asked the doctor, "Then what was it?"

The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the
way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."

Maria is a devout Catholic.
She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

LMFAO :laff:

Buying a Christmas Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Parent's Version

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! "Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I grateful went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

The Christmas Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.


Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.


For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.


Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.


This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses during the college bowl system.


Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.


Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands down.


Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

The Lion, The Scientist & The Philosopher

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up".

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied "I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !"