ADN

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did...... and you're back at work on Monday.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive.... and then we'll eat your mother."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is."
It was valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card."
The driver owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it."
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it."
Driver: "No problem."
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too."

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evenin' stinkin' drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standin' at the end of his bed
wearin' a long flowin' white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded
Brian, "and what are ya doin' in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I am Saint
Peter."

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... Ya gotta
send me back right away".

St. Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there's a catch. We
can only send ya back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowin' there was a farm not far from his
house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
covered in feathers and cluckin' around peckin' the ground. "This ain't so bad"
he thought until he felt this strange feelin' wellin' up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoyin' your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feelin'
inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulatin'" explained the rooster, "don't tell me ya never laid
an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well, just relax and let it happen" advised the rooster.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feelin' of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feelin' of happiness was overwhelmin'
and he knew that bein' reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... Ever!!!
The joy kept comin' and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shoutin'

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' the bed!"

lmao...that's awesome

:rotfl:

QUOTE(Mandizzle)A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following  
exchange:  
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"  
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."  
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"  
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."  
Officer: "The car is stolen?"  
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's  
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."  
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"  
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman  
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."  
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"  
Driver: "Yes, sir."  
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was  
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to  
handle the tense situation:  
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"  
Driver: "Sure. Here it is."  
It was valid.  
Captain: "Who's car is this?"  
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card."  
The driver owned the car.  
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a  
gun in it?"  
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it."  
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.  
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a  
body in it."  
Driver: "No problem."  
Trunk is opened; no body.  
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told  
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,  
and that there was a dead body in the trunk."  
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too."

clever clogs! /wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=";)" border="0" alt="wink.gif" />

Holy hell hotheat that was hilarious...Man this thread is one of the best on the forum..!

yep, i had the same reaction u guys did the first time i came across that.

...had to pause a while to catch my breath. /laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> /laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> /laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning, sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.

The minister said "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked...
...
...
"Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?"