ADN

HA!

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:"Pour some lukewarm water over them."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely screwed up now."

Mike sees Jake standing beside a lake with a mirror in his hand.

Mike: What are you doing?

Jake: I'm fishing.

Mike: With a mirror?

Jake: That's right. It's a new technique I discovered. I'm gonna make so much money with this.

Mike: Can you let me in on this technique of yours?

Jake: Sure, if you pay me 100 bucks.

Mike pays Jake.

Jake: Ok, here's the deal. You hold this mirror so that it faces the water. If you see a fish, scare it with the reflection off the mirror. Once it faints you just scoop it out of the water.

Mike: What a load of bull crap. You won't get any fish that way! How many did you catch?

Jake: You're the fifth one today.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.