i think you can feel there are parts where the flow starts getting clogged,.. and you *try to force it in* and you borrow alot from other stuff you wrote. maybe trying to do that to bring it all together, but you can't stand there and be afraid of the mic,..
make that bish YOUR bish.
btw:
you'are not doing yourself any favours by putting a friend on there without trying to get from him what you throw at the mic.
listening to your piece. i'm isolating a few example of when your voice slips, and it need to thump.
"yo jus gimme the mic" (your voice cracks like you in puberty, man)
"you try to soar with me,"
there are others but those are the most significant i heard that you could fix.
at "you gotta a problem with me?"
"for a little kid that's never even seen a bike?" you lose your voice.
---------
but at least you have a bit of rhythm. smoke just kinda spasms in the general direction of the mic.
good attempt.
record it like 15 times, get to where you ABSOLUTELY HATE the fact you don't have it right, and you despise the mic in your hand. You have a dun givafuk theme, but you so... so self-conscious. shave some words, make it flow, and finally when you loathe the words you wrote, you will get close to the indifference you try to convey.
also, you need to get a mic screen to cover your knob, cause you don't need that much breathiness in your voice, and it will add some resonance.
http://www.jakeludington.com/project_st ... creen.html
I suspect this is why you have some of those issues in your delivery everytime,.. cause you are dealing with a cheap mic with no internal *pop* filter. it sounds like when you have to almost whine into the mic so it doesn't pop and sizzle on "b,g,k,p,s" etc.
hope this helps.
seriously, though. smoke should practice with a metronome to get cadence down. he can't be doing that on puprpose.