ADN

Time for Reuben to rant because I'm going out of my fucking mind...

The first day of classes was yesterday. It was a complete fucking waste for me. I had a class at 9 AM, so I had to be up at 7 AM. It was my only fucking class.

Whoever did my schedule needs to be fucking shot... I have only one class on Tuesday, and then I have four on Wednesday, but I have an hour break between each, so I'm stuck at school for seven motherfucking hours! Re-fucking-tarded!

Anyway. I show up for my only class yesterday... nothing was discussed. Instead you had the idiot students repeating themselves, trying to sound smart... One asshole throws out the word validity, so of course every motherfucker after him has to use it to. Then after 30 minutes of that bullshit, the prof decided to call it a day. I got up for a 30 minute bullshit class!

I don't mind teachers letting students out early, most call it a day at about ten to (classes are hour-to-hour). But with 30 fucking minutes left she calls it a day? Are you shitting me? Why the fuck did I even bother getting up? Complete fucking waste!

I'm so sick and tired of these goddamn half-assed English classes. A couple years ago when I was doing first year, I took a class called Effective Writing. Sounds good, right? HELL FUCKING NO! All we did was read short stories and answer question sheets. People, I can read short stories ON MY OWN FUCKING TIME! Assholes... But there was some writing... we had to write FOUR essays. Four! What the fuck? What is with the dependence on fucking essays?

The best part is all four essays were comperative essays!!! The prof couldn't even be fucking bothered to give us a couple different styles. Oh no!

Christ... if it's not half a dozen fucking essays it's a goddamn group presentation. I fucking HATE, HATE, HATE group presentations...

I've pretty lost all faith in college... then again, I've never been a fan of school. I fucking hate it. It annoys me how so much is put into getting a fucking degree. I don't fucking care...

I just wanna fucking WRITE! The funny thing is every writer I talk to tells me the best courses they've ever taken were non-credit or night courses. What the fuck am I doing in college? Besides wasting thousands of dollars I mean...

I'm so sick of this shit... I really am. You know what the sad thing is? I spent over $4,000 on my first year... I'll be blowing about $7,000 for this year. And for what? I've got a book on my bookshelf, Seven Steps on the Writer's Path... I spent about $20 on that. I've only read about a third of that book, and already it's taught me more than ANY English class I've ever fucking taken! It's taught me more than EVERY English class I've taken COMBINED! Sad...

It's also kind of sad that not even an hour ago I was counting the number of days I have left in this semester...

I've got two essays for this class I had yesterday... The first is worth 20%, and the second is worth 25%. I just found out about a short story contest being held in Canada, too. I wanna submit something... but I just know I'm not gonna have time to write anything. Between the two essays and the rest of the my school work... and I just know it's all gonna put me in a bad mood, like it already has, and I won't be able to write shit, and before you know it, BAM, November is here, deadline for the short stories, and I won't have shit written!

I seriously feel like I'm going to just fucking snap on everyone around me soon... I feel like I'm reaching that breaking point. I was such a horrible mood today, which I'm sure Ja picked up on a little bit... I'm just gonna lose my fucking mind soon...

This shit has been building up for a long fucking time... I'm so fucking frustrated because I can't get shit done... I've been working on my novel for over four years. FOUR FUCKING YEARS!!! I doubt many people here have invested that much time into anything!

I think what kind of pushed me over today was something I thought of this morning on my way to the bus... I thought, "Today's the first day of classes..." And then I thought, "Today's the first day of classes without Nelson..."

For those who don't know, Nelson is a good friend of mine. We've known each other for nine years. We met in grade 7. He's pretty much my only close friend. I have a few other people I talk to occasionally, but he's the only one I really hung out with. I'm anti-social. So what.

Honestly, he's the greatest person you'll ever meet... but now he's in Montreal. He left on August 31 to go to Concordia with his girlfriend... and now I'm here. I've got no one... as sad as that may sound. He may not have always openly encouraged me, but I KNEW he always supported me in everything I did. He was behind me 110%, always.

I don't really have anyone supporting me. And I know it's not fair to blame everyone around me, but do you have any idea how difficult it is not to have someone behind you? Writers are already self-conscious and critical by nature. We're our worst enemies... so to have no one behind you, it makes it that much more difficult.

Especially when you have your dad sit you down at the fucking kitchen telling and fucking scream at you, telling you you'll never be a writer...

I haven't been able to write anything significant in well over a year... it's just... it's like it's all coming down now... finally. After building up for years... I get the feeling the fall is gonna be brutal...

I can't even fucking sleep now... I gotta be up at 7, and it's almost 2. I'm too worked up to fucking sleep... I tried earlier, but my fucking mind just wouldn't shut up!

Fuck...

It's alright Kramer (is your first name actually Reuben? I didn't know............).


I did Effective Writing to in first year, and it sucked as well. All it did was prove that I hate the SUBJECT English. I don't hate English, no way! I've analysed song lyrics, read some deep stuff (well, seemed deep before I read anything by raum), written poetry for birthday presents and father's/mother's day etc. read, and do fucken BRILLIANT in reports! Always have! All through primary, secondary, and through tertiary schooling as well.

But English the SUBJECT! fucken sux squashed bush oysters!


Note that I said I've done brilliantly in report writing. Well, a few years ago, I got an assignment back that didn't do as well as other ones. It was pretty good (a Credit) but nowhere near a Distinction or High Distinction which is what I usually get. I just didn't understand what, why? I looked through some past reports where they looked like shit to my eyes, yet there was a big 9/10 on them!

I started doubting my whole work ethic, losing faith in how I worked, and then lost my motivation and it all spiralled downhill into that mass of aggression and anxiety and depression that only this year I've started to rise out of............

Yup- I snapped at the slightest thing, just like how you feel now. Can't think, ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is a trigger.......


About your timetable- that does suck. Try having 7 hours straight one day, then scattered, then just at night, then just whole afternoons... Could've been spaced out a bit more to give a break between things.


The education systems are CORRUPT- it's why I hate teachers and why I hate the education system. Otherwise I'd probably be a teacher myself. I'm just glad that my sister (completing her Bachelor of Education {early childhood} degree) will be going in there and kick those bloody bastards outta the window and bring some DECENT education to the kids!


I'm sorry to hear that you're not getting any encouragemnet (rather, being dissed about it) by your father. Hopefully one day he'll see your career come to fruition and he'll learn something.......


I haven't been able to sleep either- why? PROCRASTINATING. And not just study! This Janine Habeck gallery I've been promising for the last week or two! Just the simple things like sorting the pics out into directories and renaming them, neaten it up, find better quality pics- in fact right now while writing this I've got the sets uploading! Probably be another half hour before everythings all formatted and ready for the G-Spot...........

look at that, worrying about making a nudie-chick set to perfection............should be the last of my worries.......


I've even been worrying about stuff I wanted to write for AF- I still haven't got around (procrastinating) about writing my story about my "tordon camp" trip, so you folks will understand what the pictures and videos show....


Hopefully through this frustration, will be the creative genius to develop something wonderful for your novel.


My name may not be Nelson, but I'm behind ya mate :tur: . Good luck! 8)

Dammit...

I'll rip the damn Tiffany Teen site...Sheesh...

ONLY if you say it will make you feel better...

Damn, sorry to hear about that Reuben. I can empathize with you about your friend. This will be the first time since 2nd grade that I won't be going to school with my best friend. Actually, my best friend is Aemeth here on the site. I know he hasn't been on that much but he is extremely busy. Anyway, it's tough to not have that best friend there like you are so used to

damn,.. only four years.

1. when you think you can't write, write "[your name] is a brilliant and prolific master all manner of wordcraft"
(over and over)

2. writing classes build two disciplines you need, the ability to tolerate editing, and how to convey ideas to idiots.

3. you can choose, A. Where you are going, or B. Who's going with you. Rarely do you get to choose both.

Good luck, man. You'll figure it out.

Thanks for the reply, Pete, and yes, my name is Reuben.

QUOTE(AYHJA)Dammit...

I'll rip the damn Tiffany Teen site...Sheesh...  

ONLY if you say it will make you feel better...

Ahem... I believe I said there were 11 sets... lol And if you'd like to rip them, that'd definitely put me in a better mood. /:D" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt=":D" />


I think a lot of this comes down to be just being extremely frustrated. The book I mentioned in the first post, Seven Steps on the Writer's Path, said it's good to rant once in a while, and I haven't really been doing that; I've just been bottling it up, and I think we all know how good that is for a person. lol

I get the feeling a lot of my school work this year is going to be angry... I'm tired of the ridiculous assignments because they're just a waste of my time, and that's one of the major things that pisses me off. I hate having my time wasted.

Two of my profs want me to write up an I.D., and they both want a picture included. The one is especially ridiculous. She wants us to include shit like or hobbies, pets, where we're from... and she told us to finish it off with something fascinating about ourselves.

I don't have time this kind of stupidity. I gotta waste time scanning and printing my student card so I can include a picture, and then I gotta fill this shit out. It's retarded.

It's a shame that my favourite prof said he might be retiring next semester. I love his classes. There's no textbook, to handouts, no notes on the board, no overheads, no powerpoints. He just gets up and lectures.

Right now school just feels like a giant waste of time to me... instead of spending seven hours stuck at school, I could've read half a dozen short stories... I could've brainstormed some ideas for the short stories I wanna submit in this contest...

Bah. Whatever. I just realized I'm starting to rant again, and I don't feel like being in a bad mood right now... lol

Just a quick add-on here... I think part of the reason I'm so annoyed with school right now is because this isn't what I want to be doing right now... I took it because I couldn't find a good creative writing program, and I figured since I already had the first year, what the hell, might as well take the second year. There's no real passion... and that's probably affecting my writing.

I need to find a school with a good writing program... unfortunately I don't think Ontario has any...

Shit Kramer.. .sounds like you've already enrolled in the AYHJA school for Creative Writing to me!!!

Hey Kramer
I went to school for art and I think I understand what your saying .Back when I went the teachers were still so affected by the abstract movement that they didn†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢t teach any fundamentals. You were left to figure it out on your own. You could get more out of going to the library. There are however some things you should enjoy while your there because you will never be in this situation again. You will never again be amongst so many people your own age ,or close to it, who have similar dreams and interests. I could have done the work I did in school back at home but I wouldn†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢t have been around so many cool people. The ability to sit around talking about your art and interest with others of like mind is a great opportunity. To me that was the best part of going. The other part I found to be of great help was the process of critiquing each others work .I would have a six hour class for drawing and 2 hours of that were for critique .Its interesting how when people who care about the process get together how much you can learn. Everything good or bad spoken of your work only helps you understand how your work is perceived. That is very valuable information that you don†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾

‚¢t get sitting at home.
It sucks having teachers tell you what projects to use your talents for when your very individuality and interests are what drive you to write in the first place. I would try to make each piece as best you can a reflection of your interests or mood at that time. As a writer you should be able to find ways of making each assignment an exploration of what you need to learn to make yourself better. As a writer you should be able to find ways of expressing and using your various moods. Like you said...there gonna be some angry essays being handed in....well why not ! Now is your chance to experiment . Your paying good money for this chance to do nothing but write , learn and hang out with cool people. Embrace it....ten years from now you'll be thinking about how great it was to be in that situation.

QUOTE(Kramer @ Sep 7 2006, 07:18 AM) Thanks for the reply, Pete, and yes, my name is Reuben.

Thanks mate.

See, me reading back through my 1st reply, even now, looking back at it I think it's a load of codswallop, how's that for critical and nitpicky, lol.