ADN

Florida Man Beats Out Heart Disease As Nation's No. 1 Killer

"We're in the midst of a major national health crisis," CDCP Director Dr. Julie Gerberding said. "Every 22 minutes, Wayne Ray Thomas takes another life. If trends continue, by 2027 this silent killer could affect one in every 15 Americans."

According to health and law enforcement officials, there are several warning signs of the onset of Wayne Ray Thomas, including intense anxiety, shortness of breath, sweating, and a sudden loss of power to the victim's house.

Physical symptoms of a full-scale attack include involuntary constriction of the airway and sharp, stabbing pains in the left arm, right arm, throat, and back. In the advanced stages, afflicted persons suffer external bleeding, loss of motor function, organ failure, and intracranial hemorrhaging.


So far, those stricken by Wayne Ray Thomas have exhibited a 100 percent mortality rate.

"Progression can vary widely”most die in a matter of minutes, but sometimes, death can be drawn out over several agonizing days," Gerberding said. "The sole universal factor, other than the detachment of the pinky finger, is that the victim undergoes a great deal of pain."

Records indicate that the killer was first linked to a cluster of mysterious small mammal deaths in the late 1980s. By 1997, the leap to humans had apparently been made, when a number of deaths were reported in Miami's gay community.

Frequent running is an excellent way to prevent an attack.
Investigators have thus far failed to find a strong genetic link among the deaths, although there have been incidents of entire families being wiped out in a very short period of time. The CDCP said that evidence remains sketchy and incomplete, prompting speculation that there may be undocumented cases currently lying under railroad trestles and in shallow, unmarked graves.

Several high-risk groups have been identified, such as young children, the elderly, college-age females, male and female prostitutes in the Amarillo, TX area, and hitchhikers. Evidence has also linked the occurrence of Wayne Ray Thomas with preexisting conditions such as paralysis, blindness, and mental retardation.

But even those not within the identified categories should not assume they're immune, Gerberding said: "Wayne Ray Thomas does not discriminate. This dispassionate killer doesn't care about your ethnicity, where you live, or how much money you make. "

There are many things people can do to lessen the chance of falling victim to Wayne Ray Thomas, such as staying in good enough shape to sprint for several blocks while screaming. Eating a low-fat diet can help maintain a well-functioning endocrine system and the steady production of adrenaline, a hormone essential for both an effective fight-or-flight response and proper hand-eye coordination in the use of firearms.

"If you are experiencing any of the warning signs, immediately seek medical and police help," Gerberding said. "You have a chance of surviving Wayne Ray Thomas, but only if he's recognized early."

"And if you are certain you're at risk, for the love of God, do not, under any circumstances, go upstairs," Gerberding added.

Wait, so...This is a disease named 'Wayne Ray Thomas' that's taking out people left and right..?

Time to do a little research...

I wouldn't do too much research. It's from the Onion. /wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=";)" border="0" alt="wink.gif" />

http://www.theonion.com/content/

Here is their latest story:

Street Evangelist Saves 300 Souls From Enjoying Park - SAN FRANCISCO

Open-air preacher "Brother Sam" Hilson rescued more than 300 of God's children from appreciating a cloudless spring day at Golden Gate Park Tuesday by informing them of their sins and the swift approach of Judgment Day.

A former building superintendent, Hilson said he was directly called by God to bring Christianity to San Francisco's unholy cyclists, tai chi practitioners, and dog walkers.

"All of you will burn in hellfire, so sayeth the Lord," Hilson said to a stroller-bound toddler and her picnicking parents.

For nearly five years, his highly personalized, one-on-one style of lay sermonizing has been among the most effective in the city, as virtually all park-goers within Hilson's range of vision are delivered from their conversations or badminton games within minutes.

After telling a novel-reading Berkeley student that there was "no book but the Good Book," Hilson bore witness to a woman strolling by in a sundress.

"Harlot, dare ye bare your shoulders when the Rapture is nigh?" Hilson said.

Many of those who have been singled out by Hilson confirm the attention had a direct impact on their lives.

"It was my first weekday off in a while, so I thought I'd enjoy the nice weather, maybe head down to the waterfront too," said Russ Tiderington, 25, who, according to Hilson, "sashay[ed] [his] hips like a painted Jezebel." "But I decided to go home and catch up on some chores instead."

Hilson's bullhorn, which he often employs to bring recreation-seekers into the light of God's grace and drown out their iPod music, forced one-third to one-half of the souls to spurn the path they had chosen for that afternoon.

At one point, Hilson ministered to a family of Indian-Americans, whom he mistakenly identified as "Muslim demon-worshippers."

His photo-collage display of aborted fetuses, Hitler, Oui magazine centerfolds from the 1980s, and the rock band KISS spared at least 10 others the temptation of the fresh April breeze.

"Someday our jealous and vengeful God will make you regret watching your aerobics sex tapes!" Hilson told a group of kite flyers, who rapidly walked away from him as he strayed momentarily in their direction. "Your kites may reach the sky, but they cannot get you into Heaven! Only Jesus can! Jesus is the One True Kite!"

Though he is not formally recognized by any church, it is estimated that Hilson has reached nearly 75,000 wayward souls on college campuses, at state fairs, and in bus terminals around the Bay Area.

Jesus is the one true kite . . . lol!