ADN

I know we've all done it...And all done it in a variety of ways...What's your favorite?? way to end a relationship..? The best or preferred way..? The way that it has happened most often in the past..?

A physical distance has been most prevalent in my breakups...At some point, there was a serious amount of road between us, and the slightest altercation leads to ''well, I'm not calling'' and if too much time passes, its just a "Look, this isn't working out," conversation...Most of my girlfriends have not lived where I lived, so it just happens that way...I want to say that's the best way, but it doesn't usually include closure...The window always seems to be open some years later when you send a 'Hi, how are you," kind of email or something...

And if its not a physical distance, its an emotional one...I'm a very loyal kind of person...If I commit to something, I'm usually all in...But once something happens and I decide that its not a two way street, I detach...To make it simple, I just kinda stop caring...I really try at all kinds of relationships, and if they don't work, I don't feel a sense of guilt...Maybe I do that to make detaching easier...Maybe its the other way around...I'm not sure...Maybe not the best way to do it, but I'm not necessarily on bad terms with anyone I've been in a relationship with...

Ideally, I think it would be good for both people to sit down face to face, lay out their differences, decide that they're doing the right thing, and walk away feeling that you've made the right decision...Plus, you have respect...But, most of the time, when you get together and start laying out differences, they turn into blamestorming sessions and you have more anger than anything...I would rather avoid all of that, take the blame, and slowly phase that person out of my circle...I figure everyone gets what they deserve and not what they want...

So...Talk about how you've wrecked your x's, lol...

Can't say that I've ever done this from the feedback I've received. The usual way is ignoring phone calls & texts until they get the message - but it dosent go down well.
One of the few times I think I've done it well is when I sat down & basically said that I've got a load of personal problems that I need to sort out before I can think about anyone else. That worked quite well but it might have been that the chick was a nice person.

I have not had a lot of relationships, but to me....I would sit down with that person when I noticed the problems were starting to build. I'd like to think that I could get together a list of things that bothered me, but that is a little idealistic. I believe in an open communication with the person that you are with...and if for some reason you are unable to communicate your ideas with each other...you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

Now as to how to break up....I think you should at least give the other person a chance to hear what your problems are and you hear theres...and if from there you both see that it just won't work...then you can end it there, otherwise you can give it a trail period, see if the other person is at least trying to work on the things you've said. If not, then you know you've said your peace and you can just let them know that it isn't working.

That's how I would see myself ending a lot of relationships that I would have had, had I not been so firm in my stance to not really get involved. Give them a chance to work on the differences and disparities, and if they aren't doing it...yall aren't meant to be together and you cut if off immediately.

shining2001uk wrote:Can't say that I've ever done this from the feedback I've received. The usual way is ignoring phone calls & texts until they get the message - but it dosent go down well.
One of the few times I think I've done it well is when I sat down & basically said that I've got a load of personal problems that I need to sort out before I can think about anyone else. That worked quite well but it might have been that the chick was a nice person.

Or maybe she was already seeing someone else? :p

Ex #1: We tried to make things work for over a year, but as the trust issue was pretty much irreparable, I finally asked her for a divorce. We talked about the issues and problems and made the decision together. We made a conscious decision from the very beginning to be cordial and friendly with each other, not bad-mouthing each other for the sake of the kids. 10 years later and we still speak to each other about every other week or so. I have no idea what or if she's said to the kids about the breakup; I won't say anything unless asked directly. So far, they've not asked, and I'm fine with that.

Ex #2: She had MAJOR jealousy issues that I didn't discover until about 2 years into the marriage. She kept saying that ex #1 wanted me back and was insecure enough to think I would go back to her. It really blew up a year later when she accused me of having an affair due to my occasional late night work schedule (Child Abuse Investigator at the time). I told her that if she trusted me that little, we had nothing to go forward on. That relationship did not end well at all. After the divorce, she moved to Texas and I haven't heard from her since. Just as well.

Ex #3: Discovered the DAY AFTER OUR WEDDING that she had a serious Prescription drug addiction. She got arrested for writing her own prescription and trying to fill it at the pharmacy. Against the better advice of friends and family, I decided to support her through her withdrawal, treatment and recovery. She beat her drug addiction, but it unmasked some mental health issues that eventually made it impossible to live with. Panic attacks, major depression, and psychosis with hallucinations can be kinda scary if you see them first hand (and I've worked in 2 Psychiatric Hospitals!) She had a hard time accepting my request for a divorce, but eventually she came to see it was for the best. We're still friends, and I still do small things for her if possible, but there was no way I was going to subject myself to continued fear and stress due to her mental condition.

So... I would have to say that openness and frank discussion without any blame-casting is the best way to go. If you make the attempt to be honest and open and don't allow things to degenerate into name calling and blaming each other, a breakup can actually be a growing experience.

My .02 worth.

Convincing her that i'm an idiot, them wimem so naive they even start believing that before the relation begins ...

See, look at the difference of a person talking with very little experience and one who has actually been there lol.

Thanks for that DD, it was very enlightening.

email or text message work pretty well ;)

No such thing as a best way. It will not be a comfortable or pleasant situation anyway, so just being honest is the less painful way.

bd55 wrote:No such thing as a best way. It will not be a comfortable or pleasant situation anyway, so just being honest is the less painful way.

I don't think that's true...Sometimes, breaking up with someone is uplifting...I can't imagine if you were in an abusive relationship for example, you'd be all that uncomfortable shooting that person the middle finger and dipping out...A mutual breakup is certainly feasible, if not all that likely...So, we don't mean just being honest, I'm more into the situational side of it...