Funny Chuck Norris List

#1

A friend of mine emailed me this and for some reason I laughed harder than I have in recent memory:

1. chuck norris's tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried

2. rather than being birthed like a normal child, chuck norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. shortly thereafter he grew a beard

3. chuck norris does not sleep. he waits

4. chuck norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. they now play poker every second wednesday of the month

5. chuck norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs

6. chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

7. chuck norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. he then shouted "how dare you rhyme in the presence of chuck norris" and ripped out her throat. holding his girlfriends bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "don't f*ck with the chuck!" Two years and 5 months later he realised the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in an hour. He spent the first 50 of those minutes screwing his waitress

9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, chuck norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

10. the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

11. Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wise Man. He brought the baby Jesus the gift of "beard", Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths

12. Chuck norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying "booya"

13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death

14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered chuck norris

15. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until he gets the inform ation that he needs

16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him and the game forfeited.

18. Filming on location for Walker:Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stilborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered. Chuck norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking it's neck, to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

19. Chuck Norris shot down a german plane in world war two by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang"

20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him

21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like chuck norris

22. after much debate, president truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending chuck norris. His reasoning? It was more humane

23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. the only thing that can cut chuck norris is chuck norris

24. chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh1t out of little kids.

25. the quickest way to a mans heart is with chuck norris's fist

26. chuck norris owns neither microwave nor oven. when he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire

27. One day chuck norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares chuck!". He is still there to this day

28. before each filming of walker:texas ranger, chuck norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquiliser. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors that he fights

29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.

30. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said "don't worry about it honey" and went into his backyard. He came back 5 minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said "Never question Chuck Norris".

31. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

32. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

33. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

34. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

35. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

36. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

37. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

38. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

39. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

40. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

41. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

42. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

43. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

44. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

45. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

46. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

47. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

48. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

49. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

50. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

51. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

52. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

53. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

54. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris

55. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

56. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

57. In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

58. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

59. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

60. Chuck Norris invented water.

#2

Man, I don't know why, but after like the 6th one, I was laughing my ass off..!!! Crazy shit, LMAO...

Lost Ghost · #3

funny ass shit......
5. chuck norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs

lmfao

Bot · #4

^^ That's the only one I laughed at. lol

#5

LMAO man. That was a fucking funny post man.

#6

LMFAO.

It's a good thing the world can't read this. C N might want to make a 'statement' to B-D for giving away all his secrets in the Forum.

If you've got any more "Superstar" secrets please share......

#7

LMFAO!! Those are great man!

#8

It was a lot funnier once I googled Chuck Norris and found out who the heck he is, lol.

#9

ROTFLMBAO @ CY..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, you are too cute..! LMFAO...!!!

#10