My week- rather my life 2003-today

#1

You all know about my weekend and the ruckus that went on.

Well, look, I know that everyone cops stress. My father's on fluvoxamine maleate, ferrkrissakes! :shock:

2 years ago I lost focus in my degree, then my motivation, then sleep, started to worry, spiralled out of control......and thus fell into anxiety and depression. I was living with my sister and she saw a VERY ugly side of me....
It fucked up my entire year- at the end of the year I went to a doctor for a medical check-up, and he sent me to the psychotherapist........
I ran away after paying the $80 bill.

I went back to university full of good intentions, but at the end of the year not only hit rock bottom, but scraped it.

The thing is, I hid this from most people, but I guess it did show through slightly, as some of you may remember my quite fanatic crazy nature..

In 2005 I got a job, which helped me gain some focus on my future career (ha what a coincidence I'm wearing the t-shirt I got from them). It was good as I got some practical experience, even though it was just 3 months work experience. It would have led onto futher work but it was just "wrong place wrong time", they were really busy and didn't have much time to train me. Had I had my degree, or years of bush experience, I would have stayed there. After that I got offered a great job, but there were some holdups on when I could start, so I did banana farm work for 3 months. I told them I might be leaving for another job, so they got a replacement ready. Then I was told the job fell through (the employer was crushed, as he was understaffed and his bosses cut his budget), and also had no job at the bananas when they had to start the replacement.
I went and stayed at my parents for a while, and looked for more similar jobs. I learnt the HARD WAY not to wait for anyone, just go for anything otherwise they'll leave you in the lurch, damn procrastinating pricks. Because I had been out of work for so long, I ended up on the dole, which SUCKS.

So, I selected to work for the local university gardens department, 2 days a week, for my Work for the Dole project. It was good as it was outside, and close to home (this in in Townsville, not Kurrimine Beach where my parents are).
I was the only one that treated it as a job- turned up every day, and worked me arse off non-stop (my supervisor was quite a bludger. But a good bloke).

Late January 2006 I finally got some paid work, on a noxious plant-exterminating team called Norther Inland Weed & Timber Control. It was great as I got to go out west for a bit, do some hard yakka, earn some money, and get some bush experience. I also learnt to shoot guns, and make up some of the gayest stuff ever- one of the guys would do stupid stuff to get attention (he didn't have many friends), and always taunt people with homosexual stuff, even though he's straight. Honestly I am one of the most straight men on this earth, and the stuff I had to come up with to shut & cut him up was like I spend my head up blokes' arses all day...
Also I never heard the word "cunt" so much in my life....every damn sentence! It was like a generic term for ANYTHING! Whether it be a weed, person, a curseword, object, didn't matter. But they never used it in a sexual sense.

So after all this, I had in a way went through my own rehabilitation programme.

I re-enrolled in a full course, so I can finish this degree and get the hell outta there. I do plan on doing postgraduate studies, but LATER, when I can officially call myself a scientist and get a decent job for a bit. I moved in again with my sister, as it's close to the university.

Anyway so right now I'm up to my eyeballs in study, and struggling. I've been disguising myself and avoiding lecturers like the Plague so they don't put me on the spot...
I am not depressed (thank goodness), or even aggressive. But I am scared that I might end up like that. I almost cried a few days ago when thinking that I couldn't handle it back then......
I've had some setbacks, which has made things harder. It doesn't help that I haven't had much sleep, and after getting aggravated and mad and angry while already being cranky and tired, from not only no sleep but walking around all day without my feet orthotics across rocks in the dreary drizzling rain, I had to put up with three fucken drunks cavorting in my damn cabin at 4 in the bloody morning!

Ever since last weekend I've been sleeping throught the daytime all day- getting up at 4pm and going to bed mid next mornings.... Barely any work done because I've been tired....missed all my classes...shitted me off even more....and no behind with my assignments...........

So last night at 7pm, I came home and made some dinner. I fried some lamb chops with tarragon & green capsicum, and steamed some beans in a saucepan. I put some water in the saucepan, but not enough.

So towards the end there's all this steam, my sister is acting stupid carrying on about the smoke, and I thought it was just the frypan. It's all finished cooking and I eat my dinner- which turned out pretty nice.

My sister starts cracking up at me about the mess I made- FUCKEN HELL CAN'T SHE WAIT UNTIL I HAVE FINISHED EATING??????????????? :bt:
Then she discovers the saucepan and says I burnt a hole in it, or just. Starts yelling even more.

Doesn't fucken give me a break, or care that I had been awake at that point for nearly 30 hours straight.

Starts verbally abusing me, saying I'm causing trouble for the other housemate, I'm wrecking all her stuff that's apparently brand new. For goodness sake I am just awake!

Yet I still held my head together. I did not raise my voice once (in the past when I was depressed, I would snap instantly, at anything- very irritable).

I did though smash a cup- picked it up so hard then chucked it that it smashed- a plastic cup by the way, that we had had since little. She got mad at me for that (it shouldn't have been lying around, I didn't leave it there), but still couldn't take into account my stress and lack of sleep.

Now the reason I am scared- is because I am on my last legs, living in that house. Although I am "independant" of my parents, they still have control of the house in a way, and will kick me out if I cause trouble for my sister, regardless of what I do. My sister did cop alot from me in the past- I am sorry that she endured what she did. But she holds it as a grudge against me, she thinks I'll be like that always (she needs to open her view up a bit).

So now she vents on me alot, and the slightest thing that I do that may bug her, bugs her in a VERY BIG WAY.

And our parents take it VERY SERIOUSLY.

Earlier this year my sister and I went to see the Cowboys vs the Newcastle Knights. I shouted until I went completely hoarse I was that excited. I could barely speak for the following week. But I enjoyed myself thoroughly, so I didn't mind too much.

My sister though took exception to it. She's very shy in public, and doesn't like attention drawn towards her (most times). She thinks I made a fool of her just because I was screaming for my team, and was imagining that people around us were saying I was being stupid (obviously not thinking very well, we were at a rugby league game remember....).

When the opportunity came to go to another game, she didn't want me to shout as it humilated her. Now she didn't kindly say this to me, just outright blasted me and abused me. She completely hurt my feelings, really tore me up. I would understand if she said "lower the shouting a little bit" or "try to shout towards the players, not so close to my ear", but no, she just BULLIED me. I was very upset about that, and felt like I was being suffocated. I started to shout out and get upset, then she rang up my parents. Now I'd get anxious when she'd ring them, as she would do it when I'd get aggressive and use it as a way of attacking me, because it made me anxious. I would get so scared I couldn't go near the phone.
This time I did speak on the phone...........................

My father started getting right stuck into me, just didn't listen to what I had to say at all and understand the full story. His words truly made me feel like a waste of space. And I let him know that, I completely broke down and cried............

He felt like he had lost his son (and he nearly did)................

After 2 weeks of so after that, I've been on good terms with my father (still communication issues but otherwise good), which I am extremely grateful for.

But I am still fearful of what may happen again.....

Now back to the present- my sister was abusing me and rousing the shit outta me because I had damaged the saucepan and made a bit of a mess and broke a cup. Now, apart from the cup I was COMPLETELY calm. I was not aggressive at all. I did not yell, nothing. Absolutely NOTHING like the patterns or behaviours I had exhibited in the past. I just kept on saying "Please don't do this, I am really tired and have been awake for a long time. I understand that you have also been stressed these last 2 weeks, like everyone else (she did also cop things hard during her prac over the last two weeks). But, please, I will clean this up, just as I am doing right now, and you can get mad at me later. This is extremely hard to deal with. So please leave me alone."

She did not let up at all.

So I went to bed, 8:30pm.

And I bloody slept in again.....woke up 10:30am, missed a lecture and half of my morning prac. /sad.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":(" border="0" alt="sad.gif" />

I haven't been home yet. I've been occupying myself with these forums, posting galleries, etc.

I want to speak to my parents about this, but I am too scared of what may happen. I am truly on my last legs, Hey she didn't have to check the saucepan and bug me about cleaning up- I would have cleaned up immediately after eating and replaced the saucepan if it was seriously damaged. She was the one that started abusing me- I didn't even yell back.
Even if they might chuck me out onto the street because they think I am disrupting my sister, at least it could happen after I've slept a bit. Yes they would drive the 230km down the coast to physically kick me out, or call the coppers to do it.
But AFTER, not right now.

I really cannot deal with this right now.

I almost feel like I shouldn't go home. I need to as I need the sleep, and I have things to do tomorrow. But I cannot confront my sister or have to speak with my parents if they are just going to get mad at me. I feel like they won't listen at all, just hearing that "he broke my cup I've had since I was 3!", "he got oil everywhere!", "he burnt my BRAND NEW SAUCEPAN!" "I can't deal with this shit I study and I've been stressed and I've been working too hard lately!" Will make them think I have been nothing but trouble, completely disregard me and, yes, if they kicked me out, it would literally be that, with a steel-cap boot.

I think I should just find somewhere round the campus and crash, then wake up in the morning and ring my parents on my mobile phone and explain the situation, stressing that I remained calm & non-aggressive throughout the whole thing.

#2

If I might suggest M8, you should probably just relieve the tension between you and your sister...Don't avoid the issue..!

Tell her you need to talk to her...And then take her somewhere nice, and tell her to level with you...Do something nice for her man, she's a woman, that's all she needs...Tell her how much you appreciate her, and ask her what you can do to preserve you guys' relationship...Siblings should be close, and if you don't work to resolve things now, they may never be right....

So, for a day, be a gentleman...Invite her somewhere nice and you guys talk, and you tell her how you want to make things a little smoother between the two of you...Don't argue with her, or start talking about your feeligns, just let her talk, and you adapt to what she's saying...Tell her you understand being angry, but not so much as to where it seemingly hurts your relationship...

Family is all you got Homez, if you won't work to save it, you won't work to save anything....

#3

I do appreciate her. I'm upset that she wouldn't have a bar of what I was/is going through. She could have at least backed off and got stuck into me in the morning.......

And as I said- I was calm the whole time, I was as reasonable as possible. In fact, I was extremely surprised how calm and rational I was. I didn't even sound like I was under tension, only breaking the cup gave it away....

And yes, I do appreciate her, even right after she was yelling at me! Right after she left the room I found her work uniform in the washing machine. I could have rubbed it in mud to make it dirty, but NO! I hung it on the line straightaway to let it dry!

I did that just to show that I do appreciate her, even though she didn't give a stuff that I had no sleep and under alot of stress....

I don't live with my sister to sponge off her, no way in hell! She might see it like that at times, because she can handle certain things better than I can. But honestly, throughout most of this year, I've barely seen her- I do my own cooking and stuff, we do our own thing. I say hello to her when I get home, tell her about my day. I've helped her ALOT with her assignments when she was finding them really hard (and not just on our parents' request), not just because she needed the help and that I'm her brother, but that I enjoy helping her with work. I even showed her Silence of the Lambs just recently, and she actually liked it and didn't feel so afraid, and was glad I showed it to her.
So it's not like we're living apart in the same dwelling, no way.

I just wish she could have held back on rousing on me, delayed it. If I had left all that mess and the damaged saucepan where it was, for two days or something, THEN there is decent cause for being in trouble. There are two other people that need to use that kitchen and its utensils, so if that hypothetical situation occured, unless I was literally on my deathbed in a hospital on a drip & EKG machines hooked up, I should be dragged by the ears to that kitchen and immediately clean it up and replace the saucepan!

You know what I mean? It was wrong time, fullstop.

Would you yell the fuck out of a sibling if they got mud on your shirt or something, when they just got bitten by a taipan?

I really do think that my sister would.. /sad.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":(" border="0" alt="sad.gif" />

#4

i could understand some of that,.. but some of the wording was bloody obscure.

you have an aggressive past and a stressful life situation. take some anger management, it usually includes time management, and priority management skills, which they rarely teach college kids. meditate, don't try and mediate.

if you need some help building a life schedule, I may have some time to help improve your focus, but it will take a lot of work on your part, and personal intervention is best. Your parents may be willing to help you with some anger management, and you asking will show you vaule your family as more of an investment you contribute to, than a resource to burn as fuel for your studies and goals. I do not support therapy, I support guidance in self-determinism, to establish realistic priorities.

own your mistakes and don't expect reciprocity immediately. if you force a woman to try and forgive you, she never will. she will think you are trying to disarm her. she will forgivew when you least expect it, but she will not forget.

when you ARGUE, (because your situation is conditional to your harmony with your sister) EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. Write down,

RE:_________________________________ (here is the conflict identification tag)

"I do not respond well to personal conflict of a verbal nature. I have a tendency to say impulsive things that socially impede my ability to have meaningful relationships with those I care about. Until I learn verbal discipline in conflict resolution, I would prefer all conflict to be expressed in written form, so I may meditate upon it, and give accurate representation, and keep a record of my progress. Thank you, and kind regards for respecting my request regarding our conflict. While verbal resolution will be forthcoming in written form, I will, strictly for my confidential and non-evidential records, be audibly (and/or visibly) recording this conflict at the point you recieve this, allowing for some lag, so I may truly give you a mindful response and have accurate time to completely focus on the intent and meaning of your valuable constructive criticism. All material and physical resolution required immediately on my part will be prepared now or as soon as materially responsible, and logged for your confirmation of receipt. This method is not meant for debt resolution, and is inapplicable. You may inquire about a response, if no answer if forthcoming in three weekdays. Thank you for helping me in this exercise to better myself and our relationship"

keep several copies of this. sign them and date them when you hand them to the people you have heated conflicts with.
(don't use this to piss someone off. it is a sincere tool to learn to resolve conflict. not a intimidation to get people to shut up.)

then, when you hand it over, pull out a micro-recorder and say "I {name} on {date} am recording this conversation as an exercise in conflict resolution. No legality, accountability, or actuality is implied or inferred by the vocal representations herein recorded on any records obtained through this conversation. In no way is this conversation admissible in court, or evidentially as proff or disproof of any event. It is strictly for training purposes for my own social ability to achieve effective conflict resolution and maintain management of aggressive behavior."

then do not say another word AT ALL until they leave or dismiss you, or a REAL priority takes precedence. then LEAVE with a simple "thank you, this exercise must end. expect a written response within three week days." and LEAVE... don't explain when and where you need to be, and don't respond to the anger they may have in you having a schedule to maintain. just listen, maintain eye contact, and breathe. pretend you are watching a monitor. no smile, no gritting your teeth. just collection of data for processing later. and leave when you have a REAL priority come up.

notify people of this practice before

BUT if you use her saucepan to boil vegetables, and she can no longer use it, you own her a value equivalent to the saucepan.

if you used it without asking, you violated her privacy. apologize.

I love to cook. i will castrate someone who kills my saucepan or tried to boil water in it. saucepan is medium high at most. and if you burn the bottom of a saucepan, you can't even boil water it without the taste of burnt anodized metal. a boiler and a saucepan are much different.

Vertical Vegetables:

to steam vegetables: soak your vegetables in some very cold water, while you get a suitable boiler, fill it 3/4 full with water. heat on high to rolling boil in covered boiler. pour out 3/4 of the water remaining. Take vegetables out of cold water, and put vegetables in steamer. Put steamer in boiler, and cover. cook on med-high for 5-10 minutes (5 is GREEN or RED, 10 is WHITE, so YELLOW or ORANGE is 8), and turn down to med for 5 minutes. Remove from heat take vegetables in strainer out, pour out water, oil, salt, butter, and spice vegetables to taste, put vegetables back in boiler, and replace cover. Let cool for 2 minutes, still covered away from direct heat. open and serve. outstanding crisp and vibrant every time, in 30 minutes or less.

(the biggest variation is how big the pot should be, cramming vegetables makes them starchy and soft - ick. for mushrooms, i cook them all like they are green, por sautee and add them after steaming with the oil, for added flavour.)

btw: sautee vegetables in a saucepan, steam them in a boiler.

happy vegetable, and happy conflict resolution. if someone criticizes your response mechanism, simply say, "I as a human am not accountable for my behavior except as legality or society dictates. Even social accountability is optional, though often infinitely valuable. I suspect I need to focus on my social accountablity to better myself. just as an addict must record every impulsive drink or dose, so I must accurately monitor the timing, nature, and response I have to personal conflicts. This mechanism is the control in place for that monitoring, and I have full right and just cause to use it for my betterment. I am policing my behavior, not yours."

I did this for years, and eventually learned to not dropkick people who disagreed with me.

do not try to redeem the past with your sister until you feel comfortable resolving and establishing priority in general conflicts.

vertical,
raum

#5

Hey Pete, I'm with A...family is very important. You have to talk it out. Make the time to talk to your sister when there isnt anything immediately brewing. When you both can just sit and talk. Tell her all of the stuff you just told us, about how much you care about her, and how you are trying to be better. Hopefully she is rational and can understand where you are coming from, chances are, she cares about you as well. Set some expectations regarding your communications, boundaries, rules what ever you want to call it, but as soon as you both have an expectation, and you know what those are, it is easier to work with each other and work together holding each other accountable. Stuff like, if she knows that you care about her kitchen, pots, etc. maybe she won't jump down your throat. If she knows that you like to cheer your ass of at the rugby league games cuz you love your team, not just cuz you are a lunatic, maybe she will go. Also maybe you could tone it down a bit...so that you are both comfortable. (Try to get a few drinks in her to loosen her up at the games!)

Do all of this shit with your parents as well. Maybe they will be more inclined to help, and a bit lighter on the flame cannon! :flamer:

Anyway, good luck mate!

iMNO

P.S. I will try to get AYHJA to fix the damn network so you don't have to stess about posting and shit! LOL! Oh, and I have to log in twice lately too...its not just you, it's probably IE!

#6

Wow man, things sound really rough, espiscially with your sister. What is wrong with her that she screams at you so much? I mean, siblings should argue once in a while - it's healthy to vent - but I've never heard of such aggression. Maybe you should just tell her to calm the fuck down, and maybe try and find her some kind of hobby or activity that allows her to vent on something else beside you, because eventually I'm afraid you''ll just snap, and hit her or something. I'm not saying you're a violent person, but there's only so much someone can take before going postal on someone, trust me, I know. But good luck mate, I hope things get better.

#7

Thank you for your help, both Charles, iMNO, and Grand Wagoneer.

QUOTE(raum)i could understand some of that,.. but some of the wording was bloody obscure.

That revealed the amount of sleep I had at that particular point.

2005 has definitely calmed me down ALOT. I pretty much recovered over my depression. I am no where near as impulsely aggressive as I used to.

In fact, the academic state I am currently in, is not far off from that of 2004. Yet the whole time, even when exceedingly lacking in sleep, I remain mentally stable. There may be moments of aggression and panic, but I still have a relatively clear head with a focus and sense of hope. I'm like "yes I am struggling, but I'll get through." It's not blind faith (well it could be), but I sincerely feel okay. It's not denial, it's the honest truth.

The whole point why I was so frustrated with my sister on Thursday, was that I was extremely calm, cool, and collected. I did not argue with her at all, just told her I really needed to get some sleep and would appreciate if she delayed her anger- yet she continued to flame me when I was in a very sleep-deprived and stressful state. It was like she didn't care at all, and I felt like my parents would take every word she said, therefore disregard me entirely.

All housemates share the kitchen and its utensils. They are responsible for cleaning & maintaining them when in use.

I love to cook too, and my sister is quite good at it, plus did home economics at school. The saucepan we use is particularly suitable for boiling (I guess yours and my terminology is different)- the problem was, I didn't regulate how fast the water was boiling & the water level (yet I could cook the chops without burning them?).

And yes, I would immediately replaced the saucepan if it was severely damaged- and she wouldn't have to tell me either.

And your spelling is atrocious, Charles /wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=";)" border="0" alt="wink.gif" /> .

Cheers & thank you mates,
Pete.

#8

Hey Pete......Sounds like you just have too much on your plate.School and a job is alot but if you add family stress on top of that your gonna hit some rough patches.How come no sleep? Is the study load keeping you up? It sounds like raums suggestion of time manigment would be good to look into.Mabey theres things you could cut back on to free up space for study.For instance how much time do you spend posting on this site.When i went to school the internet didn't exist.The most distracting thing i had to worry about was my room mate yelling to me that david letterman was about to throw stuff off the roof and i needed to see it. How about writting down a list of your daily doings and see if raum can make a few suggestions.As far as your sister goes arguments often have nothing to do with what your arguiing about.Its even harder with family cause theres all of the past bagage.Don't know you well enough to know if this will help but I have had a problem in the past of not being able to stop my brain from thinking about problems.I would just roll the same problem over in my head for hours.My mother does the same thing.You get pissed off at some one or some thing and you can't stop thinking about it.We allow it to happen becouse we think thats who we are and thats just the way things work.Actually your allowing your brain;which is just a tool; to control how you spend your valuable time.I read about an exercise that helped me get some control back.Close your eyes and visualize anything you want,lets say a car.Try and see it as clearly as you can.After about 10 seconds; which should be enough time to get comfortable with the image; picture some thing else; lets say a tree.Keep doing this for as long as you like.Your mind will want to stay and rest with each image but the exersise forces you forward.What this taught me is that im in control of how long i allow myself to dwell on some thing.My brain isn't who i am it just helps me be who i am......Hang in there...Tough times pass...God bless

#9

hey, I hear ya just got back from a visit with the folks. How did that go? Anything brought up from this episode? Hopefully it was a good time, and you are feeling better than ya did a couple of weeks ago!

#10

QUOTE(iMNO)hey, I hear ya just got back from a visit with the folks. How did that go? Anything brought up from this episode? Hopefully it was a good time, and you are feeling better than ya did a couple of weeks ago!

Yeah they were good, very helpful, make me feel calm and get through this stuff. It was good to get away for a day and a bit, wish I could have stayed longer but had stuff to do here. My mother keeps sending me text messages to comfort me, silly stuff and about the dog etc. to cheer me up. It helps. I'm still stressed and found it hard to focus and concentrate on work (been sleeping most of the time- and not eating much) but I am glad I've had a fairly good day today, 1st exam went well.

I'll talk more on this later. Thank you.

Cheers,
Pete.