The Official AF Joke Thread
-
deepdiver32073
- Iconoclast Extraordinaire
- Posts: 8395
- Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:25 pm
-
hotheat
- Posts: 30897
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 6:37 pm
Priceless!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!..."
"Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $150.00
Hot breakfast - $12.00
Red Rose bud - $15.00
Two aspirins - $4.00
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless!
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!..."
"Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $150.00
Hot breakfast - $12.00
Red Rose bud - $15.00
Two aspirins - $4.00
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless!
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
hotheat
- Posts: 30897
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 6:37 pm
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
trashtalkr
- Sports Guru
- Posts: 7978
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:20 pm
- Contact:
Oh man...I would totally kick the shit out of her if she did that to my car.
"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
Soren Kierkegaard
Soren Kierkegaard
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
southern_belle
- Posts: 992
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 2:25 am
-
deepdiver32073
- Iconoclast Extraordinaire
- Posts: 8395
- Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:25 pm
Home Remedies
-------------------------
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
-------------------------
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
Deepak
- Posts: 2789
- Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2004 3:02 am
- Contact:
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish or, your husband will get ....... times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom
women will swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only
for me."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said," That will make your husband the richest man in the
world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman
said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of
the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let
them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish or, your husband will get ....... times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom
women will swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only
for me."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said," That will make your husband the richest man in the
world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman
said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of
the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let
them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!
WHEN THE RICH WAGE WAR ITS THE POOR WHO DIE
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
Deepak
- Posts: 2789
- Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2004 3:02 am
- Contact:
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard
look at
herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over,
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband
and
says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard
look at
herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over,
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband
and
says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
WHEN THE RICH WAGE WAR ITS THE POOR WHO DIE
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
trashtalkr
- Sports Guru
- Posts: 7978
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:20 pm
- Contact:
I bet he was sleeping outside that night
"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
Soren Kierkegaard
Soren Kierkegaard
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
BlindG
- Posts: 787
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:03 pm
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
DAMN!!!
I had read the joke with the mild heart attack butt(SHAKIRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!) never the ending part of it !!!
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
VERY NICE !!!!
It reminds me of the joke with the husband shopping and the floors /tongue.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":P" border="0" alt="tongue.gif" />
DAMN!!!
I had read the joke with the mild heart attack butt(SHAKIRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!) never the ending part of it !!!
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
VERY NICE !!!!
It reminds me of the joke with the husband shopping and the floors /tongue.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":P" border="0" alt="tongue.gif" />
Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun...
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |