The Official AF Joke Thread
-
AYHJA
- 392
- Posts: 37990
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 2:25 pm
- Location: Washington, D.C.
- Contact:
-
(B)
- El Bromista
- Posts: 1661
- Joined: Sun Oct 17, 2004 8:38 am
- Location: -PHX-
- Contact:
God Vs. Satan fucking rules....
LMMFAO!!
...and DD...always comin through with the kick ass shit...
Mr. P Nis....fucking hilarious!
LMMFAO!!
...and DD...always comin through with the kick ass shit...
Mr. P Nis....fucking hilarious!
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
Skinny Bastard
- shady character
- Posts: 4381
- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
The Assassin Interview
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢‚¬Å¡‚¬‚
two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t kill my wife."
The agent replies "You don†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position †™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢‚¬Å¡‚¬‚
two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t kill my wife."
The agent replies "You don†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn†™‚¢‚¢¢¢¬…¡‚¬‚¢¢¢¬…¾
‚¢t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
Skinny Bastard
- shady character
- Posts: 4381
- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
Teh Mafia Job
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.
If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.
If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
Skinny Bastard
- shady character
- Posts: 4381
- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
What you NEVER want to hear...
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
southern_belle
- Posts: 992
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 2:25 am
-
Buffmaster
- Posts: 3570
- Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 11:37 am
- Location: The Alamo
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Big Red died 23 NOV 2001
You owe your success to your first wife. You owe your second wife to your success---Sean Connery
You owe your success to your first wife. You owe your second wife to your success---Sean Connery
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
trashtalkr
- Sports Guru
- Posts: 7978
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:20 pm
- Contact:
LMFAO!!!! That is fuckin hilarious!!!
"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
Soren Kierkegaard
Soren Kierkegaard
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
SolRage
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Sat Jul 29, 2006 3:03 pm
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter
asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and
in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very
slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the man
"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will
you find him?"
"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states
the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and
in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very
slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the man
"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will
you find him?"
"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states
the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
SolRage
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Sat Jul 29, 2006 3:03 pm
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in
God's' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in
God's' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |