A Weird Relationship

#1

Im sorry as this is a very long post. but This is something that I need to deal with and need some help with.

This is how this story goes. Over two years ago I started talking to this girl for now who we shall call "Laura". She was also from New Zealand but at that time she was living as an exchange student in Austria. Now we started talking and kinda got close. She came back to nz and I realised that she lived around a 8 or 9 hour drive away.

This didnt stop me from talking to her. We generally called each other up and talked for hours on end. She was the girl that I talked to for 5 hours on the phone at one stage. It was weird but we clicked. We talked about anything and everything. There was no topic that we had not talked about. Almost another year passes by and we keep talking.

She tells me that she is going back to austria again for a visit and will be passing through my city to catch her flight there. And she also drops a bombshell on me by telling me that she loves me. We had never met in person but I still believed that she was being honest. And I felt pretty strongly about her as well. She wasn't the most beautiful girl I have ever seen or anything but i care for her deeply.

What happens from now on is weird. She comes up to auckland(where I live ) and I spend a day with her at the airport before she flew off to austria for a month or so. This was not what was weird. At the airport the she told me that when she went back to pn(short for where she lives) she was going to be with another guy. This even though she loves me. Now I could have just walked away right then but for some strange reason I didnt. We kissed, made out, held hands and got along we had been together for a while. Even after she tells me all that.

Anyway so we both talk a lot and say a lot and we both realize that our relationship will not work. We don¢¢¬¢ž¢t talk for the while she is in Austria. When she comes back she informs me that she has started going out with him. It hurt a bit and I didn¢¢¬¢ž¢t talk to her much from then on. We still maintained contact. We sent each other text messages and stuff just to check up on how each other were doing and stuff.

After a while I decide that its time to move on so I decide to ask this girl out. And we do start going out. And then all of a sudden she is coming to Auckland again but this time with her bf . She says she wants to meet me. I talk it over with my gf and I go over to see her. But I asked her not to have a bf around. We spend those few hours together ¢¢¬‚¦ we went and played pool. While we were walking to get some drinks our hands touched and we held hands. Both of us didn¢¢¬¢ž¢t pull back. In fact we kinda held on more tightly then I remember holding her hand when we met last time. The last time we met at the airport it was march. We kinda both said that it sucked not being able to kiss each other at that moment.

I just realized that I had still had a lot of strong emotion for her as did she. We went up to her hotel room and we watched tv and talked and had a few drinks. We held hands and talked most of the night until her bf came back when I left. After this we started talking heaps more. Now its been 8 since the first time we met.

Even more since she admitted to be in love with me. The thing is we didn¢¢¬¢ž¢t actually talk about how we felt about each other after we met that day because as soon as she got back she started going out with that other guy. Now when we talked it was all about how we felt. It came out that she still loved me.

This is weird, how can she be with someone else when she is in love with me? In 8 months her feelings for me haven¢¢¬¢ž¢t gone away and yet she is with him and she continues to maintain her stand on this. And yet she maintains that she loves me.

The reason that she said she couldn¢¢¬¢ž¢t be with me was because of the distance between us. Now her bf just said he will be joining the army and she doesn¢¢¬¢ž¢t like army. The fact that she wont see him for 6 months and not have contact with him for 3 atleast and that they move with just a week or so of notice.

This pissed me off because she still will be with him. I find this hypocritical as there are more reasons for her not to be with him then there were not to be with me. And yes admit ably I do have feelings for her but I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t understand how she can do all this.

She is a nice girl, caring and everything. Yet she is going against what she feels to be with another guy even though the only reasons she wasn¢¢¬¢ž¢t with me. I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t understand this.

The other dilemma that I have is that I care about my gf a lot as well. So should I tell her that I held her hand that day and that I still have feelings for her. Whats even worse is that my gf told me that she is falling in love with me. This made me incredibly guilty.

I had decided to go down and see laura and I have already made my bookings and stuff. And now im feeling that I probably shouldn¢¢¬¢ž¢t. This is an incredibly difficult situation for me. I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t know what to do anymore. Its like when im with my gf I think of nothing else but when im talking to laura I cant think of anyone else.

The more I talk to laura at times I get frustrated but the thing is that when I hear her voice all that frustration just melts away. Over the last 3 days me and she have talked on the phone for atleast 2 hours per night just discussing how we feel.

I have yet to tell my gf all of this as im scared I might lose her! And I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t want to. But at the same time I cant stop feeling what I feel for laura.

So what I need to do is try to understand if any of you were in the position of laura , why would she be with another guy when she loves me?

What should I do? Should I tell my gf what happened that night with me and laura?

There are a lot more questions but these are the things that I need to clear first. Again Im really sorry for such a long post. I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t do these long posts often so I can be forgiven for it. If you have any questions do ask as I want to get to the heart of the matter and solve it once and for all.

I cant back down from going to pn. So regardless of what happens I will be going down to see her. Her family is expecting me as well. So I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t want to disappoint and my gf is ok with me going down. But she doesn¢¢¬¢ž¢t know everything yet. So yeah.

What do you all think?

#2

Hey Deepak,

Generally, we keep things a bit more universal than personal in here...

but, for you, I'll answer...

NO ONE PERSON ONLY LOVES ONE PERSON.

It doesn't happen that way. There may be one you love or desire more than any other, but there is not only one.

As far as your girl. Holding the other girl's hand is pretty sucky for your girl, unless the two of you have agreed that kind of thing is cool. Some people roll like that. You also should keep in mind, when you act in deception and not getting caught, you get more suspicious of others. it takes time, but eventually, you'll see.

as far as girl in Austria. she sounds fickle. she's with Mr. Right Now. and the he's gonna join the army and she's just gonna find someone else, someone accessible. for me, that is a sign she is in "dating mode" and will only be serious when it is advantageous or convenient. You are a romatic, and thus probably the subject of her fantasies, and thus also her day dreams. if it had to come down to real life, the psychodrama would just become psycho. Secret rendesvous in the airport and accidental handholding,.. yeah the stuff adventure is made of.

in short, she is a woman and you are a man... So be a man and say, "yo, I can't treat my lady like this, she don't deserve to be kept in the dark." Either you and "Laura" make it happen, or you have to steer clear of the chick and get your focus on in your current gig.

Just remember, if you are in a relationship and another woman says she is in love with you, and you stay friends with her,.. your relationship will come under fire.

#3

Is anyone else thinking THREESOME!!!!

Lol jk, I agree with raum...Tough sichyation bro, g/l

#4

I'd say to stay with your gf man. You are with her for a reason and since she is your gf, I take it you click pretty well with her. Communication is key though, and if you communicate better with Laura, then that's extremely important.

#5

QUOTE("raum")NO ONE PERSON ONLY LOVES ONE PERSON.

I was thinking the same thing...

For me, these situations never present themselves as problems...Bro, at your age, you should have no problems telling babes, GF or otherwise, whut it dew, and whut the bizness is...You young chaps man, you guys make me feel like some kind of Cassnova, cause i told girls straight up what was going down...

Be realistic with yourself...Will you be happy w/the long distance..? Do you really want to invest your time and energy into someone who tells you that they love you...Yet go off to be with another guy..? And I'm not knocking her at all, or you for that matter, but it seems that she's pretty much wanting to have her cake and eat it too...

And don't we all...

She likes you, wants to keep you around until maybe later on in life when she and you are in a position to settle...I have no idea why women think that way, but they do...

If I were you, I'd date both of them, shit man...Why not..? You don't have to go around telling lies, but you're young...Why put all these barriers and restrictions on yourself..? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of not being married in the first place..?

#6

Bottom line is "Laura" sounds like she just wants to play the field a little bit and doesn't mind dragging you along putting your current relationship at risk. If she were a little older and mature sounding, I'd think that possibly she could be polyamorous (look up polyamory... it's fascinating) meaning that she is in love with more than one person at the same time. I've known people that actually make this work; it's far different from swinging because all involved commit to each other. But I really don't think that applies to this chick.

#7

The reason that I brought it up in VU is because I thought this situation could probably have a few spin off threads about human mentality, thinking process as well as partner selection also what and how people; men and women decide on what is important and also for the fact that I wanted some real insight into the situation.

Raum:

I agree with you that NO ONE PERSON ONLY LOVES ONE PERSON. I think this is one truth about how we make decisions about who we are with. I also agree that this situation was adventurous, more so for me then her in a way. As before I went to see her for the first time, I told no body about it. It was just my thing and yeah it felt good to be there in that moment.

I also get what you mean about deception. It simply suggests that if you can do such a thing then why isn¢¢¬¢ž¢t it possible that your partner can do it to. This however is not really the issue that I¢¢¬¢ž¢m facing. I know that my gf will never be able to cheat on me in any way. If something were to happen her guilt will make her confess to me instantly.

But yes I do agree that deception does breed suspicion.

I can go ahead and tell my gf everything and I¢¢¬¢ž¢m sure that she will understand. But at the same time me and laura have a special connection and even though we are not together and it isn¢¢¬¢ž¢t perfect, we both look out for each other in time of need. So I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t know how to actually let her go from my life.

Aemeth :

The idea did cross my mind too lolz.

TT:

The fact is that with me and laura nothing has ever been hidden. She tells me everything and so do I. Not as much now but we used to and well some stuff besides our relationship we still tell each other everything about. Its like we can not talk to each other for a few months and then hit it of again instantly

With my gf its different. I cant tell her everything that goes in my mind, mainly I think because of this situation but some other personal life history and stuff as well that I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t think I could just keep telling every single girl that I¢¢¬¢ž¢m with.

So I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t know

Ayhja:

I¢¢¬¢ž¢m not that kind of a guy who would lead on two girls. Even if they both know each other and are ok with me being with both of them at the same time. Its just something that I cannot do.

Its not about putting barriers and restrictions on myself its about how I feel when I do such a thing. Just holding laura¢¢¬¢ž¢s hands that day made me feel guilty when my gf tells me that she thinks she is falling in love with me. So I really cannot do that to her or anyone else for that matter.

I agree with you on that she wants to have her cake and eat it too and I¢¢¬¢ž¢m in a way letting her do that. After she had come back from Austria I had told her that I wouldn¢¢¬¢ž¢t talk to her anymore that it was best if we parted ways and in desperation she springs a secret that she hasn¢¢¬¢ž¢t told anyone about ever.

So to me she wants me in her life to tell me her deepest and darkest secret it must have been some desperation. So I have been there for her. Its not so much as being straight up as I¢¢¬¢ž¢m confused as well as to what I should be doing in this situation.

DD:

You are right on she is trying to play the field but I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t think she is dragging my relationship down intentionally.

However that¢¢¬¢ž¢s a pretty interesting concept about polyamory. I would like to know more about how this works.

How can someone actually love two people at the same time and be with them both?

By the way who else thinks that my first post in this thread is the longest post in a single post made on AF to date

#8

To be honest w/you Deepak, when I come to VU and see a short post I am admittedly a little disappointed...Glad to see that you're posting here, and more so, posting good things like this...

#9

There is a lyric from a song that was popular in the US many years ago that went something like...

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with"

Which I would say could be applied quite comfortably to your current predicament. I would also like to add, that while you may certainly get to learn a lot about someone through long-distance, telecommunication assisted relationships, in my experience, it is often very difficult to make a successful transition to a stable, healthy, real-time connection. A large part of the attraction you and Laura are feeling for each other is part of the "excitement of the unknown phenomenon". The dynamic of the relationship will change completely once any alteration is made that reduces this effect.

It sounds to me like your current girlfriend is being very patient, understanding, and most importantly TRUSTING. If you value the relationship with your current gf, DO NOT take advantage of this and DO NOT break that trust (holding hands is not cheating by most people's standards) .

Unless Laura's parents have bestowed you with an extravegent gift, are subsidizing your travel expenses, or there is some other special circumstance that is not mentioned, you do not owe them shit and to make a decision based on not wanting to dissapoint them as one of the factors would be a mistake.

It is very clear from reading your post that you are very bothered by Laura's involvement with the fellow enlisting in the army. As you should be! I would hope that during the marathon telephone sessions where you discuss at great length the feelings you are both having that you have told her this. If you did, and she has continued to pursue that relationship, that is a HUGE warning sign that perhaps you are not as important to her as she would like you to believe.

My armchair psychologist impression of this situation is that Laura is an emotionally needy young lady that perhaps has some self-esteem issues and is terrified at the thought of being alone. She is lining up and grooming her plan B in the event something happens to plan A in the Army. It is my strong recommendation that you downgrade your relationship with Laura to a platonic status ASAP and wean yourself off of her. Also, see if there is any way to independantly verify the events and facts of this "secret" she shared with you. Her behavior is very suspect...I predict that if you start cooling things off with her and are less receptive and attentive to her, she will be on to her next victim in a very short amount of time. Laura is probably not doing it maliciously, but she is totally playing you, it is what women do, I think it is a side effect of having a Uterus that some women are not even totally aware of.

Good Luck and godspeed
emanon

#10

if i were u, i would tell my gf that i held hands with laura.

If u decide to stay with ur gf, and later realise what you have with her is something that could last for a long time, and this comes out later on, it will probably hurt her more and also i have no doubt that u will feel more n more guilty as time goes on.

It doesnt sound like Laura is sure what she wants from your story man.... she says she loves you but is in a relationship with another guy which could mean she isnt ready to commit to you or take that risk and wants to work out what she feels with her current bf.

since u cant back outta goin to pn, i'd make this ur final contact with laura and work out what you want from ur current gf. i honestly believe that if you and laura were meant to be it will somehow eventually happen.

the space and time you spend away from laura might help clear ur head. if u miss her the whole time ur apart then tell her this n i guess all u can do is hope she feels the same n is willing to try as well.....