The Official AF Joke Thread
-
deepdiver32073
- Iconoclast Extraordinaire
- Posts: 8395
- Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:25 pm
-
deepdiver32073
- Iconoclast Extraordinaire
- Posts: 8395
- Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:25 pm
During an annual psychiatrists convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
deepdiver32073
- Iconoclast Extraordinaire
- Posts: 8395
- Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:25 pm
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian cookies.
With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"
With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
deepdiver32073
- Iconoclast Extraordinaire
- Posts: 8395
- Joined: Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:25 pm
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He
was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and
peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him
right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered
that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the
house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the
doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and
said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen
one being reloaded!!"
was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and
peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him
right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered
that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the
house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the
doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and
said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen
one being reloaded!!"
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
trashtalkr
- Sports Guru
- Posts: 7978
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:20 pm
- Contact:
LMAO!!! The second and third ones were the best. Thanks for the share!
"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
Soren Kierkegaard
Soren Kierkegaard
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
Buffmaster
- Posts: 3570
- Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 11:37 am
- Location: The Alamo
Not all blondes.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan
Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan.
So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything
checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250 000 Rolls as collateral against a $5 000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5 000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41
The Loan Officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5000?"
The blonde replies..."Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan
Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan.
So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything
checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250 000 Rolls as collateral against a $5 000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5 000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41
The Loan Officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5000?"
The blonde replies..."Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Big Red died 23 NOV 2001
You owe your success to your first wife. You owe your second wife to your success---Sean Connery
You owe your success to your first wife. You owe your second wife to your success---Sean Connery
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
trashtalkr
- Sports Guru
- Posts: 7978
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:20 pm
- Contact:
Lol...nice. Way to cheat the system
"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
Soren Kierkegaard
Soren Kierkegaard
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |
-
AYHJA
- 392
- Posts: 37990
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 2:25 pm
- Location: Washington, D.C.
- Contact:
-
Pete
- Posts: 3115
- Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 9:03 am
-
trashtalkr
- Sports Guru
- Posts: 7978
- Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:20 pm
- Contact:
That was so fucking stupid
"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
Soren Kierkegaard
Soren Kierkegaard
| BBcode: | |
| Hide post links |