The Official AF Joke Thread

#191

LMFAO!! That's awesome man

#192

My personal favorite is "Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane....."
such a nice visual image....lmao

#193

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Son is masturbating in the bathtub and suddenly is father walks up to the sink.

Father- "If you keep doing that son, you'll go blind."

Son- "Dad, I'm over here."

#194

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Manic - Deck the Halls & Walls & House & Lawn & Streets & Stores & Office & Town & Cars & Busses & Trucks & trees & Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get me!

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Tourette's Syndrome - Chestnuts...FUCK YOU! ...roasting on...BITE ME! an open fire...ASSHOLE!

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic - Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock

Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House In My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

#195

A Letter From President Bush to Kim Jong-II

The North Korean missile crisis has dominated the news in recent days. President Bush recently sent a letter to North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il condemning his nation¢¢¬¢ž¢s nuclear tests. Most don¢¢¬¢ž¢t realize that such a letter goes through a ¢¢¬…œpresidential proofreader¢¢¬‚ before being sent. The proofreader checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns the letter to the President. Normally, that draft is never seen again. However, through a stroke of luck, we got our hands on a copy of the original letter written by President Bush to Kim Jong-Il. Below is the first draft of President Bush¢¢¬¢ž¢s letter, with the proofreader¢¢¬¢ž¢s original comments in bold.

Dear Kim Jong-Il,

What¢¢¬¢ž¢s up, not much. (This is a very confusing greeting. Are you asking him what¢¢¬¢ž¢s up and then answering the question for him? Are you anticipating him wanting to know what¢¢¬¢ž¢s up with you, so you are prematurely answering the question? If that is the case, ¢¢¬‹Å“not much¢¢¬¢ž¢ would not be an accurate answer, being as how you¢¢¬¢ž¢re about to discuss a major world crisis. Regardless, this is far too informal of a greeting to send a brutal dictator with whom you are supposed to be angry.)

A bunch of people told me you got a nuclear bomb. That¢¢¬¢ž¢s cool, we got him too (bombs are not gender specific) . Did you ever see World War Too (incorrect spelling)? That one big bomb was us (dropped by us) . In case you don¢¢¬¢ž¢t know which one I¢¢¬¢ž¢m talking about it¢¢¬¢ž¢s that one that we dropped back when it was black and white outside. (First change; get rid of the ¢¢¬‹Å“a bunch of people told me¢¢¬‚¦¢¢¬¢ž¢ This information did not come to you through the rumor mill. Second, the whole reason you¢¢¬¢ž¢re writing this letter is to point out that you are not happy that North Korea has the bomb, remember? Therefore, it would not be considered ¢¢¬‹Å“cool¢¢¬¢ž¢ by you that he has a nuclear weapon. Third, he is well aware that the United States has nuclear weapons, so you¢¢¬¢ž¢re not telling him anything new. I would also get rid of all of the references to World War II. I¢¢¬¢ž¢m sure he knows about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but just so you know, it was never ¢¢¬‹Å“black and white outside.¢¢¬¢ž¢ The footage you see is black and white because it was shot before the days of color film.)

Wait a second!!!! It is not cool that you have a bomb!!! Not cool!! Who taught you how to make it?! Was it President Clintin???? (spelling error/over-punctuation). Did you here (incorrect spelling) about him and the cable girl when he was president? They totally did stuff together in the White House, where I live! Oh, did you here (incorrect spelling, again) about that one congress guy and those pages? Like, not like paper pages but like teen pages. Boy teen pages. Sick! (Alright, so you realize in this paragraph your error of stating that it is cool that North Korea has the bomb, so why not just delete the paragraph before it? Also, Kim Jong-Il himself did not make the bomb. When you ask him who taught him, it makes the United States seem like it is out of touch, especially with your suggestion that an ex-president may have helped. This paragraph then completely loses focus and goes off on a tangent having nothing to do with nuclear weapons. I¢¢¬¢ž¢m sure Kim Jong-Il is not interested in gossip, especially outdated gossip. For the record, it was an intern, not a ¢¢¬‹Å“cable girl¢¢¬¢ž¢ with whom President Clinton had an affair. You should also be aware that those in congress are called Congressmen, not ¢¢¬‹Å“congress guys.¢¢¬¢ž¢)

Why do you and South Korea got to be two different nations? Why can¢¢¬¢ž¢t you just be one cool nation? (This sentence has to go. Not only does it completely wander from the theme of the letter, which should be urgent, focused and pressing, it makes it seem as if you have no knowledge of history or politics.)

YOUR COUNTRY IS VERY¢¢¬‚¦¢¢¬‚¦. WAIT, WHAT¢¢¬¢ž¢S WRONG? WHY CAN¢¢¬¢ž¢T THESE CAPITAL LETTERS TURN OFF? AHHHHHHHHH WHAT¢¢¬¢ž¢S HAPPENING? WHY IS IT DOING THIS? HANG ON, SORRY I GOT TO GET HELP. OKAY SOMEONE¢¢¬¢ž¢S COMING. JERRY¢¢¬¢ž¢S GONNA BE DOWN HERE. DO YOU KNOW JERRY? HE¢¢¬¢ž¢S THAT GUY WHO FIXES COMPUTERS HERE WITH THE GLASSES AND THE MOUSTACHE. HE¢¢¬¢ž¢S A TOTAL GEEK. HE SHOULD BE HERE SOON. SO HOW YOU DOING? OH, HERE HE COMES. Ah, that¢¢¬¢ž¢s better he fixed it. I think he¢¢¬¢ž¢s mad that he saw that I called him a geek to you, but whatever. (Mister President, do you realize that you can delete things using a computer? This paragraph, again, could just have been deleted. Also, a letter is not like a phone call. If you set it aside for a while, you¢¢¬¢ž¢re not leaving him hanging, so there is no need to apologize, or make small talk.)

So anyway, stop making bombs filled with nuclear weapons. Did you see what I did to Iraq? I just pretended they had nuclear weapons and look what happened? (no need for a question mark here) I ruined that country for everyone. Could be your country too dude, I¢¢¬¢ž¢m just saying.

Love, (inappropriate salutation given the situation)

George W. Bush Jr. (You¢¢¬¢ž¢ve never referred to yourself as a junior, why are you starting now?)

(Bragging about what is happening in Iraq would be a poor political move. Also, admitting you ¢¢¬‹Å“pretended¢¢¬¢ž¢ they had nuclear weapons would create a public uproar. You should also ease off your threat, and lay off on referring to a country¢¢¬¢ž¢s leader as ¢¢¬‹Å“dude.¢¢¬¢ž¢)

(While this needs a lot of work, I am happy with the improvement I am seeing. You seem to have a better command of the spell check and I am impressed that you resisted the use of the ¢¢¬‹Å“wing dings¢¢¬¢ž¢ font this time. I will work on a new draft and get it back to you.)

#196

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

#197

Guy walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist "Where are the tampons?" The pharmacist replies "Aisle 5." A few minutes later the man goes to pay for his purchases. "What gives?" the pharmacist asks. "You asked where tampons were at and you come back with toilet paper and cotton balls." The man tells him, "Well, last nite I sent the old lady out to get me a pack of smokes and she comes home with a can of tobacco and rolling papers and told me to roll my own. Tonite she's rolling her own damn tampons."

#198

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "
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She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

#199

For LG:

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him
there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his
wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

#200

I'm just fuckin with you...she's dead...LMMFAO!