The Official AF Joke Thread

#221

You Might be a Redneck if:

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth
than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey,
y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending
on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law
against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

#222

March 14th is Einstein's birthday He would have been 107.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

#223

Why do mermaids wear sea-shells? Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey! We don't serve food here!"

#224

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refridgerator?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

#225

*Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

*Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

*MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

*Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

*Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

*Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

*X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

*Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

*Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

*Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

*Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

*Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

*Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

*Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

*When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

*Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

*Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

*A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

*Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

*Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

*An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

*Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

*Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

*Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

*Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

*Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

*Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

*Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

*Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

*Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

*Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

*Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

*Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

*HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT ****ing one.

*FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

*DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

*BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

*SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

*AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

*DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

*OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

*WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

*A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

*BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

*SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

*LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

*WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

*AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

*SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

*TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

*PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

*OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

*INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

*TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

*MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

*SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

*NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

*EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

*APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

*PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

*Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

*Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

*Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

*Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

*Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

*If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

*Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

*Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

*Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

*Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

*Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

*Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

*Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

*Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

*Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

*Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

*Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

*International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

*KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

*FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

*PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Thanks to the original poster! Funny bloke!

#226

A recent study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a
man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

#227

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

#228

Your kid has been kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain,
needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold
him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a
building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning,
put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides
on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it
to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper
bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

#229

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took
off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite
blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "did you
call for me?"

The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she
lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly
pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered
the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy
man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him
around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted
by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep
the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You
haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

#230

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. But yhe thinks for awhile and thinks, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?

"Ye walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!