The Official AF Joke Thread

#271

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

#272

^^AMEN!!

#273

growf!!! That dog'd bite! LOL

#274

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, Florida . They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

#275

Government bidding at work for you and me.

#276

Man...somehow I think that's more than just a joke

#277

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."

And shortly after, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"

"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."

#278

LMAO. Thats awesome

#279

A gay duck hunter comes swishing out of the woods and is stopped by the Game Warden.

"Hold on there, bubba, I need to see if you got the proper licences for those ducks!"

"Why yes sir! I've got my hunting license here."

The Warden says, "Well, you see, you need a different duck stamp depending on where these ducks are from! Hand me one of those ducks."

The gay hunter looks on as the Warden jams his finger up the ducks ass, sniffs his finger and says, "This duck's from Minnesota. You got a Minnesota Duck Stamp?"

The gay hunter produces the required stamp.

The Warden takes the 2nd duck and repeats the procedure stating, "This duck's from California. You don't have a California Duck Stamp, do you?"

But the gay hunter shows him the California Duck Stamp.

The Warden takes the last duck, does the finger routine and proclaims, "This duck's all the way from Alaska. There's no way you have an Alaska Duck Stamp!"

But to his amazement, the gay hunter produces the Alaska Duck Stamp.

The Warden is astounded and says, "Damn, boy! You sure came prepared! Where you from anyway?"

The gay hunter drops his pants, bends over and says, "You tell me!"

#280

^^^ *gag* lol