ugh........

#1

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrr.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Juan.

What do you call a guy with a shovel stuck into his head?
Doug.
What do you call a guy without a shovel stuck into his head?
Douglas.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
Irene.

Why did the blonde go to church?
[Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.

Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well...

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET'S RIDE BIKES!

A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?
They were marooned.

Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.

Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!

What did the snail say when he was riding on the tortoise's back?
Wheeeeeeeeee!

What do you call an Irishman who looks forward to the Spring?
Paddy O' Furniture.

Did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon?
I heard it was a Thai.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Damn.

What is E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.

There once were two skunks; one named 'In" and one named 'Out." When Out was in, In was out, and when Out was out, In was in. One day, Out was in and In was out, and Mother skunk said 'Out, I want you to go out and bring In in." Out quickly went outside and almost immediately returned with In. Mother skunk was AMAZED and gasped "How did you DO that so quickly?"
"Easy," said Out. "In stinked."

Skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

What did the slug say to the snail?
"Big Issue, mate?"

What d'you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, dude!

How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They use the psychopath.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."

WWJD?
JWRTFM

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a brandy...........................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..........and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

A great dane, a scotty, and a chihuahua were sitting in a bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful bitch walked in.
"Okay, boys," she purred. "I'll make a very happy dog out of whoever can come up with the best proposition, using the words 'cheese' and 'liver'."
The great dane thought a moment, then stated: "I don't like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you, too!" He panted and wagged his tail.
The lady just looked away.
The scotty immediately said "I like cheese, and I like liver, AND I like you!" and wagged his tail expectantly.
She ignored him.
Then the chihuahua growled "Liver alone! Cheese with me."
They left together.

What's the opposite of 'omniscient'?
I don't know.

What do you call a woodpecker that has lost its beak?
A headbanger!

This bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," say the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the bloke.
"No," replies the vet, "Because he's heavy."

A man buys a horse from an old man.
The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves sitting on watermelons. If he sees a watermelon, he's going to sit on it." The man says OK. As he's riding his horse, he comes along a stream.
The horse stops in midstream and sits down. The man beats the horse, but the horse refuses to budge. The man pushes and shoves the horse, but the horse refuses to move.
Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him back to the old man.
"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle of the river and refused to budge. You told me he likes to sit on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the middle of the river."
"I forgot," the old man said, "he also likes to sit on fish."

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. the doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

"Doctor, Doctor - I have a problem. I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home" and "Delilah".
"Sounds like you have a severe case of Tom Jones Syndrome.
"Is it rare?"
"Well, it's not unusual."

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender looks puzzled and says, "No."
Duck asks the same question. "Got any grapes?"
"No, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes," the bartender says.
The duck again asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender loses it. "Listen, we don't have any grapes. Now get out of
here. And if you come back again, I'll take a hammer and nails and nail
your friggin' webbed feet to the floor."
The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns. "You got any nails?"
The bartender says, "No."
The duck perks up. "Got any grapes?"

Q: What's worse: ignorance or apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

[Notice on an Internet newsgroup] I have met a person who is writing a book on UFOs, and wants to have a chapter on UFO encounters by pets. If your pets have had such experiences, please contact me by private email, and I can get you in contact with the author.
"I hit a cat with a Zippo one time because it was considering going after a bird. The cat didn't know what it was. Does that count?"

A man went to see his doctor. "Doctor, my arm keeps talking to me," he said.
"Don't be ridiculous," said the doctor.
"No, really! Listen to it!"
So the doctor put his head next to the man's arm and listened.
"Come on, give us a dollar!" said the arm.
"It's OK," said the doctor. "It's just broke."

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Nice belt!

A man walked into a bar and said "Have people been talking about me?"

#2

thats some really funny shit man

#3

I....I feel....I feel my brain.........dying.

#4

Man, I cracked up at like 85% of those, lol...

#5

Some of those are so stupid that they are funny

#6

Real groaners, but I bet the majority of us repeat them somewhere tomorrow.

#7

i think i'll email this to people. lol.

#8

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But it must REALLY want to change.