The Official AF Joke Thread

#281

Replacement Ears

A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution except for a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You imbecile, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!" screamed the man.

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Domestic Religion

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

#282

LMAO those are pretty awesome jokes .. esp the 1st one.

#283

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

#284

This guy decides he cant bear the sight of his wife anymore and storms out of the house. A few hours later he returns with a duck under his arm and says "Well, this is the pig I've been shagging". She looks up from her box of donuts and says "hey but that's a duck"...to which he replies....."I was talking to the duck!!"

#285

Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, Mom, i got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the basement.
He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is a pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

#286

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too
small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet
paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my
husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says,
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

---------------------------------

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy,
he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw.

#287

oh man. oh no...lol

#288

True story of a manager scolding and employee:

Manager: "You made Ron look stupid in the meeting."

Employee: "He had a head start!"

#289

This blonde's boasting to her friend that she knows all the capitals of all the states in America.... "Ok then...what's the capital of Wyoming?" asks her friend. "W" answers the blonde!!

#290

The Worst Disease

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might not ever find a new mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided to go see a Chinese doctor named Dr. Chang (a sex therapist) see if he could help her.

When she arrived to his office, she told him her symptoms and he said,"Take off all your crothes and you crawl real real fass away from me on the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room, and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "You haf read bad case of Zachary Disease......worse I ever see! That is why you have sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked Dr. Chang to explain exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied. "Zachary Disease.......that when your face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"