An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Happy Halloween !!! ;)
The Official AF Joke Thread
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hotheat
- Posts: 30897
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 6:37 pm
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hotheat
- Posts: 30897
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 6:37 pm
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharpBoss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products; that capture the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharpBoss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products; that capture the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.
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hotheat
- Posts: 30897
- Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 6:37 pm
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM ?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancesto rs
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancesto rs
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
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5829
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- Contact:
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
Joke Time - again
Don't know if there are any repeats, but then again don't know if there aren't.
Two cannibals are enjoying a meal. One of the cannibals keeps laughing and laughing between bites. Finally, one of the other cannibals looks up from his meal and asks why his companion is so happy? The other cannibal smiles and says "Oh, I'm just having a ball!"
-----
SUNBATHING: Helga, who was a rather well-proportioned scretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun, when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered Assistant Manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Helga asked calmly. "No one can see me up here and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed Assistant Manager. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
-----
Georgie and Dickie were third graders who were taking a science test. Little Dickie came to a section where he had to write the definition of some scientific terms. He was stumped and then he whispered to Georgie,"What does the word benign mean?"
Georgie whispered back, "That's how old you are after you be eight."
-----
Q) What do you call a Guy who likes to rub his hands on storage folders?
A) A Pedofile
-----
A friend of mine recently visited Vermont from his home in Boston.
He had rented a rustic cabin, far from any people, deep in the North Country, hoping to get “away from it all”.
Sure nuff, after a long Autumn and early and snowy Winter had set in, Christmas approached; my friend began to long for some human contact.
Then across the frozen lake in front of him, a lone snowmobile approached. Slowly and surely it came closer till at last it stopped in front of him, and a lone bearded rider dismounted.
“Howdy, you interested in goin’ to a party?”
Without waiting for a reply he went on:
“Goin’ to have some good music”
“That's great”
“Going to be lots of good food;”
“All right, I could use some home cooking”
“ there is goin’ to be some drinkin’, and there is goin’ to be some swearin’ ”,.
“No problem.”
“and there is goin’ to be some fightin.”
“Oh that’s okay”, said my friend, “I can just stay in the background”.
“And there is goiin’ to be some sex”.
My friend laughed. “Say, when is this party going to be anyway?”
“Its tonight” said the stranger.
“Well, I’d like to come so I better get dressed”
“Naw, no need to” smiled the stranger, “it 'ill just be the two of us.”
-----
Sven goes rushing into the psychiatrist's office and hollers: 'Doc! I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking!' The doctor says: 'Now slow down, Sven, you'll just have to be a little patient.'
-----
A well-endowed woman, wanting to be a waitress, might apply for work at Hooters. So where would a 1-legged person submit an application?
I-Hop
-----
What's a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap.
-----
did you hear about the dead man they found face down in a bath tub...he had corn flakes, bananas, and blueberries all over him....they suspect a cereal killer.
-----
A Motorist is driving along the highway, when a bird smacks into his windsheild. The driver waits for the bird to slide off the window, but it stays there. He turns on his windsheild wipers, but the bird is stuck. The driver then reaches out the window and grabs the bird, pulling it free. He throws the bird behind him, not seeing the police car. the bird hits the police car, and the cops pull the man over. he is charged with flipping them the bird.
-----
How many babies does it take to paint a barn?
It depends upon how hard you throw
-----
Smoking at Gas Station
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.
When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
-----
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A baboom!!!!!!
-----
So a man and a woman step into a crowded elevator. The man looks at the lady next to him and says, "Did you know that Maxwell House helped make this elevator?", and the woman replys, "No kidding!". The man smirks and says, "Yeah.... it's good till the last drop!"
-----
A distraught gentlemen goes into his local library. He asks the reference librarian where he might find books on suicide to check out. She said "No,I'm not telling you." The even more upset man ask "Why?" The Librarian replys "You won't return it."
-----
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for."
-----
After 60 years of running a Chinese Restaurant the elderly couple retired and off they went on a long deserved 2nd honeymoon.
On the first night of their vacation the wife climbed into bed next to her husband and he nudged her, asking "I want 69." She pushed him away. Her persisted. "Please...69?" Again she shoved him away. He couldn't help himself--again--"Please! I want 69."
She sat straight up in bed and said "If you think I'm going down to the kitchen and making beef and broccoli at this hour you're out of your mind!"
-----
Sign at golf club:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
-----
She walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"Whatch doin?"
"Hunting flies!"
"Oh? Kill any?"
"Yep, Killed 3 males and 2 females!"
"What? How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
-----
They were sitting on the sofa.
He says, "Honey, I've been thinking. If ever it should come up, I don't want to be kept alive all hooked up to some artificial life support machine. Living half-dead, half-alive. Living in some semi-conscious vegetable state. Bein fed by artificial liquids pumped into me? NO!
If it should ever come up, Honey, Promise me you won't let this happen to me? OK? Just Pull the Plug!! Just Pull the Plug!!!
So Lena gets up and unplugs the cord from the football game on the TV and pours out the beer.
-----
Don't know if there are any repeats, but then again don't know if there aren't.
Two cannibals are enjoying a meal. One of the cannibals keeps laughing and laughing between bites. Finally, one of the other cannibals looks up from his meal and asks why his companion is so happy? The other cannibal smiles and says "Oh, I'm just having a ball!"
-----
SUNBATHING: Helga, who was a rather well-proportioned scretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun, when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered Assistant Manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Helga asked calmly. "No one can see me up here and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed Assistant Manager. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
-----
Georgie and Dickie were third graders who were taking a science test. Little Dickie came to a section where he had to write the definition of some scientific terms. He was stumped and then he whispered to Georgie,"What does the word benign mean?"
Georgie whispered back, "That's how old you are after you be eight."
-----
Q) What do you call a Guy who likes to rub his hands on storage folders?
A) A Pedofile
-----
A friend of mine recently visited Vermont from his home in Boston.
He had rented a rustic cabin, far from any people, deep in the North Country, hoping to get “away from it all”.
Sure nuff, after a long Autumn and early and snowy Winter had set in, Christmas approached; my friend began to long for some human contact.
Then across the frozen lake in front of him, a lone snowmobile approached. Slowly and surely it came closer till at last it stopped in front of him, and a lone bearded rider dismounted.
“Howdy, you interested in goin’ to a party?”
Without waiting for a reply he went on:
“Goin’ to have some good music”
“That's great”
“Going to be lots of good food;”
“All right, I could use some home cooking”
“ there is goin’ to be some drinkin’, and there is goin’ to be some swearin’ ”,.
“No problem.”
“and there is goin’ to be some fightin.”
“Oh that’s okay”, said my friend, “I can just stay in the background”.
“And there is goiin’ to be some sex”.
My friend laughed. “Say, when is this party going to be anyway?”
“Its tonight” said the stranger.
“Well, I’d like to come so I better get dressed”
“Naw, no need to” smiled the stranger, “it 'ill just be the two of us.”
-----
Sven goes rushing into the psychiatrist's office and hollers: 'Doc! I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking!' The doctor says: 'Now slow down, Sven, you'll just have to be a little patient.'
-----
A well-endowed woman, wanting to be a waitress, might apply for work at Hooters. So where would a 1-legged person submit an application?
I-Hop
-----
What's a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap.
-----
did you hear about the dead man they found face down in a bath tub...he had corn flakes, bananas, and blueberries all over him....they suspect a cereal killer.
-----
A Motorist is driving along the highway, when a bird smacks into his windsheild. The driver waits for the bird to slide off the window, but it stays there. He turns on his windsheild wipers, but the bird is stuck. The driver then reaches out the window and grabs the bird, pulling it free. He throws the bird behind him, not seeing the police car. the bird hits the police car, and the cops pull the man over. he is charged with flipping them the bird.
-----
How many babies does it take to paint a barn?
It depends upon how hard you throw
-----
Smoking at Gas Station
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.
When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
-----
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A baboom!!!!!!
-----
So a man and a woman step into a crowded elevator. The man looks at the lady next to him and says, "Did you know that Maxwell House helped make this elevator?", and the woman replys, "No kidding!". The man smirks and says, "Yeah.... it's good till the last drop!"
-----
A distraught gentlemen goes into his local library. He asks the reference librarian where he might find books on suicide to check out. She said "No,I'm not telling you." The even more upset man ask "Why?" The Librarian replys "You won't return it."
-----
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for."
-----
After 60 years of running a Chinese Restaurant the elderly couple retired and off they went on a long deserved 2nd honeymoon.
On the first night of their vacation the wife climbed into bed next to her husband and he nudged her, asking "I want 69." She pushed him away. Her persisted. "Please...69?" Again she shoved him away. He couldn't help himself--again--"Please! I want 69."
She sat straight up in bed and said "If you think I'm going down to the kitchen and making beef and broccoli at this hour you're out of your mind!"
-----
Sign at golf club:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
-----
She walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"Whatch doin?"
"Hunting flies!"
"Oh? Kill any?"
"Yep, Killed 3 males and 2 females!"
"What? How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
-----
They were sitting on the sofa.
He says, "Honey, I've been thinking. If ever it should come up, I don't want to be kept alive all hooked up to some artificial life support machine. Living half-dead, half-alive. Living in some semi-conscious vegetable state. Bein fed by artificial liquids pumped into me? NO!
If it should ever come up, Honey, Promise me you won't let this happen to me? OK? Just Pull the Plug!! Just Pull the Plug!!!
So Lena gets up and unplugs the cord from the football game on the TV and pours out the beer.
-----
Nudes are played out.
Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you are not dumb and your profile picture is actually you.
Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Love Is Respect - 1-866-331-9474
~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.
Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you are not dumb and your profile picture is actually you.
Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Love Is Respect - 1-866-331-9474
~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.
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AYHJA
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Skinny Bastard
- shady character
- Posts: 4381
- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
CDR _ Love the golf sign.... no extra strokes.... ahhhHahahahahaha
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AYHJA
- 392
- Posts: 37990
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 2:25 pm
- Location: Washington, D.C.
- Contact:
An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they
did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster
when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her
80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they
did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster
when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her
80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Skinny Bastard
- shady character
- Posts: 4381
- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
Good one, A... nice way to start out the week.....
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Skinny Bastard
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- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
New Monopoly Cards
Happy Tuesday Everyone.....
Happy Tuesday Everyone.....
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Skinny Bastard
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- Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:14 pm
Re: The Official AF Joke Thread
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? "
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capeli?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi
and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot
attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...."
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? "
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capeli?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi
and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot
attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...."
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