The Official AF Joke Thread

[5829]

Why can't a deaf person be sent to prison?
Because you can't condemn someone without a hearing.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

What do you call it when people put names on the back of sports shirts?
Clothes Captioning

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty
well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't!
CAN'T!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried. "It's
perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her
contractions."

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

[5829]

You probably know of those "walking to school" stories ... I walked to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow .....
Well, when I was a kid, I really did walk 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did I feel stupid when I found out there was a bus.

What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A saddle light dish

"What's your father's occupation? " asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick? " "He saws people in half. " "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters? " "One half brother and two half sisters.

Your item in yesterday's Puns of the Day ("Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and several other disgraced televangelists have started a new magazine. It combines porno and Christianity and is called Repenthouse") reminds me of another new magazine these gents started: Prayboy.

Male or Female?: The remote control: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

I was meeting a friend in a hotel bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.

Hannibal Lector is seeing someone new. She says she hates talking to him when he is nauseated because he keeps bringing up old girlfriends.

Automatic e-mail replies: I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Isn't it strange how we put so much effort into making grass grow, only to cut it when it gets too long?

Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. It wooden go.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

A rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it' against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don' know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?" The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding.

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. "Can't you do something?" she demanded. "I'm sorry ma'am," the reverend said gently. "I'm in sales, not management."

Why did the chicken go to a seance?
To get to the other side.

A woman was looking at the exhibition in the storefront windows. She liked one of the dresses that was there, so she went inside, and searched the racks -- but was unable to locate one like it. "May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replies. "Maybe it'll attract business."

Male or Female?: TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

and finally ... (at least for today)
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

[hotheat]

The Pope's Chauffeur After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.(Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger." Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[hotheat]

The Blonde in the Casino. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and Yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb,..

But all Men are Men.. .. .. .. .. ..

[hotheat]

T H E S U R V E Y



5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral sex'.


A. 3% liked the warmth.

B. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

C. 93% appreciated the silence.

[AYHJA]

:laff:

[Skinny Bastard]

LMAO - too funny......

...and I could use a little "silence" right now... LOL

[Sir Jig-A-Lot]

“A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’ The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!”

[AYHJA]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

[AYHJA]

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"