The Official AF Joke Thread

[hotheat]

Forgiving Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Miss Jones, are you unwilling to forgive your enemies?" the Minister inquired.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Miss Jones, that is very, very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Miss Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bastards!"

[hotheat]

Two Teenage Boys Arrested for Drugs Two teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance. If they would work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went into the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That's great! How did you do it?"

The boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's very admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them: This is your @sshole before prison."

[hotheat]

[hotheat]

Engineer VS Management


Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon
realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air
balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north
latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west
longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you
told me is technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make use of your information. The fact is,
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in
management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you
are or where you're going. You have risen to where
you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep,
and you expect people beneath you to solve your
problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

[hotheat]

[Aemeth]

haha good stuff here!

[deepdiver32073]

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all at a table and they are bored. The zoophile spots a cat and says, "Let's have sex with the cat!"
The sadist says, "Let's have sex with the cat then torture it!"
The murderer says, "Let"s have sex with the cat, then torture it then kill it!"
The necrophiliac says, "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, then have sex with it again!"
The pyromaniac says, "Let's have sex with it, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, then light it on fire!"

The masochist says "Meow."

[¡ñ±£¿®∆L Ф¶†ïς@п]

[hotheat]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[hotheat]