The Joke Thread

[xristoforos27]

Good Wife
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

[xristoforos27]

Secrets
Whisper a secret into a mans ear it goes straight out the other ear .... Whisper a secret into a womans ear it goes straight out of her mouth

[xristoforos27]

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone
could show him a trick he's never seen before.

"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to
need your wife Claudia and a table."

"Ok", says David and the guy gets up on stage.


He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her panties
and starts doing her from behind.

David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!"

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,

"I know, IT'S FUCKING MAGIC."

[xristoforos27]

Orgasms
One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern,
two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives.
Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.
Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"
Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"
Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."
"What's the difference?" asked Kirk.
Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!'
The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!'
and the fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

[xristoforos27]

Sister In Law
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me,
and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near
me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with
it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

[xristoforos27]

Waiting Room
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

[xristoforos27]

Why Some Men Have Dogs Instead of Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least: 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

[xristoforos27]

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"
His father replies "That's his trunk son."
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."
"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

[xristoforos27]

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"

[xristoforos27]

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?