Just The Batteries Please.
A young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman,
"I need some batteries for my vibrator."
He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
She says,
"If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."
The Joke Thread
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xristoforos27
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xristoforos27
- Posts: 118
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:17 am
Re: The Joke Thread
Doctor, Doctor
I can't stop stealing things
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, Doctor
Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor
I think I've broken my neck?
Don't worry - keep your chin up
Doctor Doctor
My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do?
Use a pencil!
Doctor Doctor
What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
I find that very hard to believe
Doctor, Doctor
Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!
I suggest you take the spoon out!
Doctor, Doctor
My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!
Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a cat?
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!
I can't stop stealing things
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, Doctor
Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor
I think I've broken my neck?
Don't worry - keep your chin up
Doctor Doctor
My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do?
Use a pencil!
Doctor Doctor
What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
I find that very hard to believe
Doctor, Doctor
Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!
I suggest you take the spoon out!
Doctor, Doctor
My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!
Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a cat?
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Hubby & Wife
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You’ll bring out the beast
in me.’
‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?’
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You’ll bring out the beast
in me.’
‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?’
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, You've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ...
well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, You've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ...
well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Office joke
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.
After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.
After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Nerd Spell Check
Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Sauce unknown
Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Sauce unknown
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Physics Jokes
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.
The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.
What is the difference?
One cat has a greater mew.
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.
The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.
What is the difference?
One cat has a greater mew.
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
' Fred, ' he replies.
' Fred what? ' the officer asks.
' Just Fred, ' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ' Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name? '
The biker replies, ' It ' s a long story, so stay with me. ' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while, I got bored being a doctor; so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant; and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am "Just Fred".
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
' Fred, ' he replies.
' Fred what? ' the officer asks.
' Just Fred, ' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ' Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name? '
The biker replies, ' It ' s a long story, so stay with me. ' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while, I got bored being a doctor; so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant; and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am "Just Fred".
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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xristoforos27
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Re: The Joke Thread
My First Time On ........
Is This what your mind say?
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
Is This what your mind say?
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
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