The Greatest 100 Off-Screen TV quotes and CatchPhrases

#1

¢¢¬…œTake ten, guys. The folks from Industrial Light and Magic are still working on Mr. Trump¢¢¬¢ž¢s ¢¢¬‹Å“hair.¢¢¬¢ž¢¢¢¬‚

-Director, The Apprentice

¢¢¬…œHey Diamond. Thanks for your advice. I¢¢¬¢ž¢m gonna do Showgirls.¢¢¬‚

-Elizabeth Berkeley, Saved By The Bell

¢¢¬…œFor the love of God, Mr. Rather. Please put on some pants!¢¢¬‚

-Production Assistant, CBS Evening News

¢¢¬…œHey Jerry, I know we¢¢¬¢ž¢re parodying Johnnie Cochran, but does this Jackie Chiles character have to be black?¢¢¬‚

-Michael Richards, Seinfeld

¢¢¬…œNo Chris, you can¢¢¬¢ž¢t be both the host and the bachelor this season.¢¢¬‚

-Producer, The Bachelor

¢¢¬…œI don¢¢¬¢ž¢t give a good goddamn about your production schedule, Roddenberry. The Vulcan and I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t kill Klingons on Yom Kippur!¢¢¬‚

-William Shatner, Star Trek

¢¢¬…œSorry, Reiner. I only have sex with famous directors.¢¢¬‚

-Sally Struthers, All in the Family

¢¢¬…œI want the million dollar question to be ¢¢¬‹Å“how big a bitch is Kathie Lee Gifford?¢¢¬¢ž¢¢¢¬‚

-Regis Philbin, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

¢¢¬…œGuys, it¢¢¬¢ž¢s just a stupid disco movie. I¢¢¬¢ž¢ll be back next season.¢¢¬‚

-John Travolta, Welcome Back, Kotter

¢¢¬…œQuick, get the President a dictionary. We need to look up 'sexual relations.'

-Vernon Jordan, Clinton Presidential Address
¢¢¬…œSimon, he¢¢¬¢ž¢s just some delivery boy from Steve¢¢¬¢ž¢s Deli. Do you think you could spare him the lecture about your turkey club being ¢¢¬‹Å“an abomination to the culinary art of sandwich making?'¢¢¬‚

-Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

¢¢¬…œOkay, Lights. Check. Sound. Check. Pound of cocaine for Mr. Williams. Check.¢¢¬‚

-Production Assistant, Mork & Mindy

¢¢¬…œEnough with the lectures, Conrad. You talk to us kids like we¢¢¬¢ž¢re gonna grow up to be a bunch of thieving, abusive crack addicts.¢¢¬‚

-Gary Coleman, Diff¢¢¬¢ž¢rent Strokes

¢¢¬…œHey Lauer, you¢¢¬¢ž¢re not foolin¢¢¬¢ž¢ anyone with the buzz cut, baldy.¢¢¬‚

-Katie Couric, Today Show

¢¢¬…œFor the last time, I just matured. I did not have a full plastic surgery makeover after the '80s.¢¢¬‚

-Patrick Dempsey, Grey¢¢¬¢ž¢s Anatomy

¢¢¬…œIf I give each one of you suburbanite whores a car, will you promise to drive the fuck away from me?¢¢¬‚

-Oprah Winfrey, The Oprah Winfrey Show

¢¢¬…œOver here, Mr. Falk. This way. Peter, the camera¢¢¬¢ž¢s over here.¢¢¬‚

-Director, Columbo

¢¢¬…œCamera one! Lift up an inch. Ms. Hatcher¢¢¬¢ž¢s botox needle is in the shot!¢¢¬‚

-Director, Desperate Housewives

¢¢¬…œSometimes, Ricky, I wonder how it would feel if it were the other way around. Y¢¢¬¢ž¢know, if the ratings were bad, but we had some critical acclaim.¢¢¬‚

-Jason Bateman, Silver Spoons

¢¢¬…œGirls, I¢¢¬¢ž¢ve decided NOT to appear on camera at the same time as you all, because it really destroys the illusion that any of yo¢¢¬¢ž¢ ugly asses could ever be a real model.¢¢¬‚

-Tyra Banks, America¢¢¬¢ž¢s Next Top Model

¢¢¬…œYeah, I think we have a spare CD player that you can use during your performance. Why do you ask, Ms. Simpson?¢¢¬‚

-Production Assistant, Saturday Night Live

¢¢¬…œIf we¢¢¬¢ž¢re just playing games with each other¢¢¬¢ž¢s balls that doesn¢¢¬¢ž¢t mean we¢¢¬¢ž¢re gay, right?¢¢¬‚

-Steve-O, Jackass

¢¢¬…œBabs, can you get me Elizabeth Vargas¢¢¬¢ž¢s number?¢¢¬‚

-Rosie O¢¢¬¢ž¢Donnell, The View

¢¢¬…œYou¢¢¬¢ž¢re going to ruin your career with that dumb mermaid movie, Tom. My Newhart audition went well. Maybe I can get you a guest spot.¢¢¬‚

-Peter Scolari, Bosom Buddies

¢¢¬…œI¢¢¬¢ž¢ve called this cast meeting because Hollywood has come knocking. One of you will be starring in the new major movie Edward Scissorhands. Congratulations, Peter. . . naah, I¢¢¬¢ž¢m just fuckin¢¢¬¢ž¢ with ya, DeLuise! Johnny, Tim Burton¢¢¬¢ž¢s on the phone for you.¢¢¬‚

-Producer, 21 Jump Street

¢¢¬…œSeriously, Jen. Are you kidding me with that haircut? If you still want to hang with me when I¢¢¬¢ž¢m the breakout star of this show, you better get yourself to the salon.¢¢¬‚

-Courtney Cox, Friends

¢¢¬…œRelax, they¢¢¬¢ž¢re just Quaaludes. It¢¢¬¢ž¢s not like I¢¢¬¢ž¢m gonna kill myself.¢¢¬‚

-Freddie Prinze, Chico and the Man

¢¢¬…œListen, just say 'mission accomplished' and people with forget all about this war.¢¢¬‚

-Karl Rove, Bush Press Conference

¢¢¬…œSo baby, I couldn¢¢¬¢ž¢t help but notice the way you ate that bull¢¢¬¢ž¢s penis.¢¢¬‚

-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor

¢¢¬…œWhat do you mean I forgot to include jokes in the script?¢¢¬‚

-Alan Alda, M*A*S*H

¢¢¬…œChrist, what¢¢¬¢ž¢s wrong with you Mandel? How hard is it to remember one line? It¢¢¬¢ž¢s ¢¢¬‹Å“Would you like to make a deal or do you choose not to?¢¢¬¢ž¢ Oh, fuck it. Just say ¢¢¬‹Å“Deal or no deal!¢¢¬¢ž¢ Do you think you can handle that, brainiac?¢¢¬‚

-Director, Deal or No Deal

¢¢¬…œBro, of course, I¢¢¬¢ž¢ll hook you up if I make it big as a director. You¢¢¬¢ž¢re fuckin¢¢¬¢ž¢ Anson Williams, man!¢¢¬‚

-Ron Howard, Happy Days

#2

¢¢¬…œSo baby, I couldn¢¢¬¢ž¢t help but notice the way you ate that bull¢¢¬¢ž¢s penis.¢¢¬‚

-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor

LOL. i saw an episode where they ate a penis. did he really say that?