Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 1:32 pm
¢¢¬…œTake ten, guys. The folks from Industrial Light and Magic are still working on Mr. Trump¢¢¬¢ž¢s ¢¢¬‹Å“hair.¢¢¬¢ž¢¢¢¬‚
-Director, The Apprentice
¢¢¬…œHey Diamond. Thanks for your advice. I¢¢¬¢ž¢m gonna do Showgirls.¢¢¬‚
-Elizabeth Berkeley, Saved By The Bell
¢¢¬…œFor the love of God, Mr. Rather. Please put on some pants!¢¢¬‚
-Production Assistant, CBS Evening News
¢¢¬…œHey Jerry, I know we¢¢¬¢ž¢re parodying Johnnie Cochran, but does this Jackie Chiles character have to be black?¢¢¬‚
-Michael Richards, Seinfeld
¢¢¬…œNo Chris, you can¢¢¬¢ž¢t be both the host and the bachelor this season.¢¢¬‚
-Producer, The Bachelor
¢¢¬…œI don¢¢¬¢ž¢t give a good goddamn about your production schedule, Roddenberry. The Vulcan and I don¢¢¬¢ž¢t kill Klingons on Yom Kippur!¢¢¬‚
-William Shatner, Star Trek
¢¢¬…œSorry, Reiner. I only have sex with famous directors.¢¢¬‚
-Sally Struthers, All in the Family
¢¢¬…œI want the million dollar question to be ¢¢¬‹Å“how big a bitch is Kathie Lee Gifford?¢¢¬¢ž¢¢¢¬‚
-Regis Philbin, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
¢¢¬…œGuys, it¢¢¬¢ž¢s just a stupid disco movie. I¢¢¬¢ž¢ll be back next season.¢¢¬‚
-John Travolta, Welcome Back, Kotter
¢¢¬…œQuick, get the President a dictionary. We need to look up 'sexual relations.'
-Vernon Jordan, Clinton Presidential Address
¢¢¬…œSimon, he¢¢¬¢ž¢s just some delivery boy from Steve¢¢¬¢ž¢s Deli. Do you think you could spare him the lecture about your turkey club being ¢¢¬‹Å“an abomination to the culinary art of sandwich making?'¢¢¬‚
-Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
¢¢¬…œOkay, Lights. Check. Sound. Check. Pound of cocaine for Mr. Williams. Check.¢¢¬‚
-Production Assistant, Mork & Mindy
¢¢¬…œEnough with the lectures, Conrad. You talk to us kids like we¢¢¬¢ž¢re gonna grow up to be a bunch of thieving, abusive crack addicts.¢¢¬‚
-Gary Coleman, Diff¢¢¬¢ž¢rent Strokes
¢¢¬…œHey Lauer, you¢¢¬¢ž¢re not foolin¢¢¬¢ž¢ anyone with the buzz cut, baldy.¢¢¬‚
-Katie Couric, Today Show
¢¢¬…œFor the last time, I just matured. I did not have a full plastic surgery makeover after the '80s.¢¢¬‚
-Patrick Dempsey, Grey¢¢¬¢ž¢s Anatomy
¢¢¬…œIf I give each one of you suburbanite whores a car, will you promise to drive the fuck away from me?¢¢¬‚
-Oprah Winfrey, The Oprah Winfrey Show
¢¢¬…œOver here, Mr. Falk. This way. Peter, the camera¢¢¬¢ž¢s over here.¢¢¬‚
-Director, Columbo
¢¢¬…œCamera one! Lift up an inch. Ms. Hatcher¢¢¬¢ž¢s botox needle is in the shot!¢¢¬‚
-Director, Desperate Housewives
¢¢¬…œSometimes, Ricky, I wonder how it would feel if it were the other way around. Y¢¢¬¢ž¢know, if the ratings were bad, but we had some critical acclaim.¢¢¬‚
-Jason Bateman, Silver Spoons
¢¢¬…œGirls, I¢¢¬¢ž¢ve decided NOT to appear on camera at the same time as you all, because it really destroys the illusion that any of yo¢¢¬¢ž¢ ugly asses could ever be a real model.¢¢¬‚
-Tyra Banks, America¢¢¬¢ž¢s Next Top Model
¢¢¬…œYeah, I think we have a spare CD player that you can use during your performance. Why do you ask, Ms. Simpson?¢¢¬‚
-Production Assistant, Saturday Night Live
¢¢¬…œIf we¢¢¬¢ž¢re just playing games with each other¢¢¬¢ž¢s balls that doesn¢¢¬¢ž¢t mean we¢¢¬¢ž¢re gay, right?¢¢¬‚
-Steve-O, Jackass
¢¢¬…œBabs, can you get me Elizabeth Vargas¢¢¬¢ž¢s number?¢¢¬‚
-Rosie O¢¢¬¢ž¢Donnell, The View
¢¢¬…œYou¢¢¬¢ž¢re going to ruin your career with that dumb mermaid movie, Tom. My Newhart audition went well. Maybe I can get you a guest spot.¢¢¬‚
-Peter Scolari, Bosom Buddies
¢¢¬…œI¢¢¬¢ž¢ve called this cast meeting because Hollywood has come knocking. One of you will be starring in the new major movie Edward Scissorhands. Congratulations, Peter. . . naah, I¢¢¬¢ž¢m just fuckin¢¢¬¢ž¢ with ya, DeLuise! Johnny, Tim Burton¢¢¬¢ž¢s on the phone for you.¢¢¬‚
-Producer, 21 Jump Street
¢¢¬…œSeriously, Jen. Are you kidding me with that haircut? If you still want to hang with me when I¢¢¬¢ž¢m the breakout star of this show, you better get yourself to the salon.¢¢¬‚
-Courtney Cox, Friends
¢¢¬…œRelax, they¢¢¬¢ž¢re just Quaaludes. It¢¢¬¢ž¢s not like I¢¢¬¢ž¢m gonna kill myself.¢¢¬‚
-Freddie Prinze, Chico and the Man
¢¢¬…œListen, just say 'mission accomplished' and people with forget all about this war.¢¢¬‚
-Karl Rove, Bush Press Conference
¢¢¬…œSo baby, I couldn¢¢¬¢ž¢t help but notice the way you ate that bull¢¢¬¢ž¢s penis.¢¢¬‚
-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor
¢¢¬…œWhat do you mean I forgot to include jokes in the script?¢¢¬‚
-Alan Alda, M*A*S*H
¢¢¬…œChrist, what¢¢¬¢ž¢s wrong with you Mandel? How hard is it to remember one line? It¢¢¬¢ž¢s ¢¢¬‹Å“Would you like to make a deal or do you choose not to?¢¢¬¢ž¢ Oh, fuck it. Just say ¢¢¬‹Å“Deal or no deal!¢¢¬¢ž¢ Do you think you can handle that, brainiac?¢¢¬‚
-Director, Deal or No Deal
¢¢¬…œBro, of course, I¢¢¬¢ž¢ll hook you up if I make it big as a director. You¢¢¬¢ž¢re fuckin¢¢¬¢ž¢ Anson Williams, man!¢¢¬‚
-Ron Howard, Happy Days