Things To Ponder About

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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS' ?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

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some more things to ponder about. including some oldies but goodies (does that mean that the newies are baddies?)

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why don’t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?

Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are violets blue and not violet?

Why aren’t there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are they called "stands" when they’re made for sitting?

Which is the other side of the street?

Who killed the Dead Sea?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When night falls who picks it up?

What’s the synonym for thesaurus?

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What is the speed of dark?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 UP's?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

What do penguins wear for play clothes?

What are imitation rhinestones?

Is duck tape made out of ducks?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

Is a small pig called a hamlet?